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Prayer
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.
When little Johnny received his plate he started eating right away.
"Johnny, wait until we say our prayer."
"I don't have to," the boy replied.
"Of course you do," his mother insisted. "We say a prayer before eating at
our house."
"That's at our house," Johnny explained, "but this is Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook."
The Tooth Fairy
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.
She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.
One day, I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.
As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
Surgery
One of our patients wasn't taking any chances. Prior to her operation, she taped notes to her body for the surgeon... "Take your time," "Don't cut yourself," "No need to rush," "Wash your hands..."
After surgery, as I helped the patient back into her bed, we discovered a new note taped to her, this one from the doctor, "Has anyone seen my wristwatch?"
Things Dad Will Never Say
- Well, how about that! I'm lost. Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.
- You know, pumpkin. Now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?
- I noticed that all your friends have a certain negative attitude. I like that!
- Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car. Go crazy!
- What do you mean you want to play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
- Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend. You might want to consider throwing a party.
- Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies. You know, that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
- No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring. Now, quit your belly aching and let's go to the mall.
- What do you want to go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
- Father's Day? Ah, don't worry about that. It's no big deal!
The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was, which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub "
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
Dental Office
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30 years ago. Upon seeing him, however I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate.
After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.
"Yes," he replied.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1964."
"Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"
Life Insurance
Mary was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome of the insurance policy
with the clerk at the Insurance Agency.
During the discussion, she asked. "Suppose I take the life insurance for my husband today
for a million dollars, and tomorrow he dies? What will I get?"
The clerk eyed her suspiciously and replied, "Probably a life sentence."
What Do You Say?
While on maternity leave, a woman from our office brought in her new bundle of joy. She also had her seven-year- old son with her. Everyone gathered around the baby, and the little boy asked, "Mommy, can I have some money to buy a soda?"
"What do you say?" she asked.
Respectfully, the boy replied, "You're thin and beautiful."
The woman reached in her purse and gave her son the money.
Out of Gas
Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.
The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been lent out, but she could wait until it was returned.
Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient
Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."
Generosity
At an auction in Manchester a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it.
From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, "I'll give £150!"
These jokes are from Tom Telfer, Rotary Club of London West, Ontario, Canada
