Raising Emotional Intelligence

The benefits of emotional freedom

Many of us, especially those who have experienced trauma early in life, are not in touch with the emotional experience that is necessary for us to fully communicate with others. As we grow from infancy to adulthood, overwhelming feelings of anger, sadness, fear, and joy become stifled or suppressed, rendering it impossible for us to fully experience emotional freedom.

Exercise: Increasing Emotional Awareness

Part One: Setting the stage

To set the stage for the exercise:

• Find a quiet room—a private area that meets your sensory needs.
• Make sure your surroundings feel completely safe and comfortable.
• Shut off your phone and lock the door. Hang a “Do Not Disturb” sign, if necessary.
• Set a timer for Part Two. (You will later reset the timer for Part Three.)
• Find a comfortable chair that supports your back, or lie down—if you're sure you won’t fall asleep.
• Furnish the space with some keys to calmness—several sensory input items that you have determined work for you to defuse stress. These may be items that soothe or energize you, and may include photos or posters of loved ones or beautiful scenes; scented candles; soft fabrics; a dish of fruit, or another sweet, salty, or crunchy snack; recordings of natural sounds or music. Remember that your keys to calmness may include movement, such as walking around the room.
• Set up a CD player or other means to play music, if you wish. Music easily evokes emotions and can fill a useful role. You can use music to evoke the emotion you want to explore. For example, if you've uncovered sadness in one exercise session and want to learn more about that feeling, use music that makes you feel sad.
• Take off your shoes and loosen your clothing.
• Stretch out and relax for a bit in the comfort of this setting.
• Close your eyes, if you are comfortable doing so. If you choose to, you can leave your eyes open.
• Don't smoke, drink alcohol, or eat during the exercise.
• In general, the less reliant you are on drugs, the easier it will beto focus, because most medications block emotional centers in the brain to some degree.

Part Two: Reconnect with strong feelings—in moderation

1. Tense, tighten and then release each body part, working your way up from your toes to your head and back and down. Focus on each body part and squeeze for a count of five to seven seconds before releasing the tension. Travel from the muscles in your toes all the way up to your neck and face. Let all parts of your body feel limp and relaxed once you have squeezed and released them.
2. Clear your mind of all thoughts. Take several slow, deep breaths, releasing your thoughts each time you exhale. Make sure to exhaleas much air as you inhaled. Put one hand on your chest and the other on your belly. Are both of your hands moving? If not, breathe in a little more fully and let go a little more completely. As you continue, allow your body to sink comfortably into the chair, bed, or floor. Try repeating the words “soft belly and soft chest” as you breathe in and out, for a deeper sensation. Ridding yourself of thoughts isn’t easy.It’s likelythey will intermittently pop back into your consciousness. When that happens, focus on your breathing, and again, let go of those thoughts while exhaling.
3. Choose an emotional trigger—something you recall (from childhood, if possible) that was a small hurt or mildly irritating experience.
   1. Slowly scan your entire body to find the spot where a feeling is most intense. Is it in your stomach, chest, shoulders, or somewhere else?
   2. Focus all of your attention on this one area and direct your breath to its core.
   3. Experience the physical sensations that occur while you continue to breathe deeply.
4. If you become uncomfortable, use one or more of your keys to calmness—the sensory input items or actions that help you defuse stress. Use one or more of your sensory input items or actions and indulge these pleasant feelings until you feel safe and comfortable. When ready, go back to the uncomfortable feelings you were exploring.
5. Repeat this process as often as necessary, until your allotted time is up.

Part Three: Go deeper—reconnecting confidently to intense emotions

1. Follow all the steps in parts one and two—resetting the timer to add another 10 to 20 minutes, tracking your emotional experience throughout the exercise.
2. Allow the feelings in your body to take root by continuing to breathe deeply into the area where the feelings are intensely focused.
   • Scan your body for physical sensations, but also permit yourself to be emotionally engaged—to be frightened, angry, or sad—if that's how you feel.
   • You may begin with one feeling, but find it shiftsinto another, or that the source of the feeling moves elsewhere in your body. Follow the new feeling as long as it proves more intense than the last.
   • If you're not experiencing much feeling of any sort, focus on just that—what it feels like to feel nothing.Intensify your experience by repeating, “I allow the feeling,” with each breath, as long as it doesn’t become a mental demand.
   • You'll know that your intellect has taken over if the feeling you're trying to focus on tends to diminish rather than intensify.
3. Hang in there. Stay with the most intense feeling for 10–20 minutes, or as long as you can.
   • Don’t force the issue and push for a release; a bit at a time is just as effective and less taxing. The point here is to allow rather than force the feelings to emerge. This is about trusting your body to indicate how much it wants you to feelin this moment. You'll get better at it over time.
   • People may cry in this part of the process—not necessarily due to sadness, but because they've repressed feelings for so long that the release can be intense. Tears are not necessary for a release; some individuals moan or make other sounds, sometimesstretching or movingtheir bodies during the process.
   • Trembling is a common physical manifestation of resistance. Your mind may be saying an intense feeling is not OK. Just remind yourself that it is. If you begin to tremble, continue to breathe deeply and hold your focus.
4. Again, if you become uncomfortable, use one or more of yourkeys to calmness—the sensory input items or actions that you know will calm, relax, and balance you.
   • Remain with these pleasant feelings until you feel safe and comfortable. Then, go back again to the uncomfortable feelings you were exploring.

Part Four: Finish up strong by seamlessly returning to the world around you.

1. When the timer goes off, get up, open your eyes wide, and stretch. Stamp your feet, walk around, and wash your face if you've shed tears.
2. If you’ve been crying hard, you might be tempted to keep on releasing emotional energy beyond the allotted time. Don’t do it.
   • Redirect your focus and go back to your life in the world.
   • You've plunged into your feelings so that you can reemerge—not remain.
3. Stop focusing exclusively on your feelings—redirect your thoughts toward your normal daily activities. Although your focus has shifted to the outside world, you'll retain some of the feeling awareness you just experienced.
4. Allow the feeling sensations to remain with you, even though you aren’t focusing on them.
5. Take stock of your energy and newfound clarity—notice if colors seem brighter, or sounds seem clearer. Are you accomplishing more than usual? You may feel more self-aware, more self-assured.
6. Describe this experienceto someone who is a good listener, within a few days of completing the exercise. This reinforces what you are learning.
7. Practice the exercise every day, or as often as you can—until you can experience raw emotion without becoming overwhelmed.

Checking your progress

How far have I come in raising my emotional intelligence? Like working out at the gym, the more you flex your emotions, the more “emotional muscle” you build. The more consistently you practice, the greater the changes you’ll experience in what you feel, think, and do.

Related Links: Relationship Help Series

Authored by Jeanne Segal, Ph.D with Jaelline Jaffe, Ph.D;  Last modified on: 8/03/08