Nonverbal Communication

Nonverbal communication speaks louder than words

Why does nonverbal communication speak louder than words in close relationships? It takes more than words to create productive, safe, exciting and secure relationships. Too often the signals we send are not those we intend to send. When this happens, both connection and trust are lost in our relationships.

Ted, Arlene and Jack are all articulate speakers who say one thing but communicate another with disastrous results in their relationships:

All of these articulate, well-intended people struggle in their attempt to connect with others. None of them are aware of the nonverbal messages they communicate.

The language of nonverbal communication

Nonverbal communication is emotionally-driven communication that answers the questions: “Are you listening?” and “Do you understand and care?” Answers to these questions are expressed in the way we talk, listen, look, move and react. These elements will produce a sense of interest, trust, excitement and desire for connection – or they will generate fear, confusion, distrust and disinterest.

By observing thousands of examples related to the attachment bond, researchers have discovered the most important nonverbal cues.

Nonverbal Communication: The Most Important Nonverbal Cues
Eye contact	The visual sense is dominant for most people, and therefore especially important in nonverbal communication. Is this source of contact missing, too intense or just right?
Facial expression	Universal facial expressions signify anger, fear, sadness, joy and disgust. What is the face you show? Is it mask-like and unexpressive, or emotionally present and filled with interest?
Tone of voice	The sound of your voice conveys your moment to moment emotional experience. What is the resonant sound of your voice? Does your voice project warmth, confidence and delight, or is it strained and blocked?
Posture	Your posture–including the pose, stance and bearing of the way you sit, slouch, stand, lean, bend, hold and move your body in space-affects the way people perceive you. Does your body look stiff and immobile, or relaxed? Are shoulders tense and raised, or slightly sloped? Is your abdomen tight, or is there a little roundness to your belly that indicates your breathing is relaxed?
Touch	Finger pressure, grip and hugs should feel good to you and the other person. What “feels good” is relative; some prefer strong pressure, others prefer light pressure. Do you know the difference between what you like, and what other people like?
Intensity	A reflection of the amount of energy you project is considered your intensity. Again, this has as much to do with what feels good to the other person as what you personally prefer. Are you flat or so cool you seem disinterested, or are you over the top and melodramatic?
Timing and pace	Your ability to be a good listener and communicate interest and involvement in impacted by timing and pace. What happens when someone you care about makes an important statement? Does a response – not necessarily verbal – come too quickly, or too slowly? Is there an easy flow of information back and forth?
Sounds that convey understanding	Sounds such as “ahhh, ummm, ohhh,” uttered with congruent eye and facial gestures, communicate understanding and emotional connection. More than words, these sounds are the language of interest, understanding and compassion. Do you indicate with sincere utterances that you are attending to the other person?

Together, these nonverbal signals communicate your interest and investment in others. Critically important is the fact that these elements are experienced much more intensely in the pauses between words. Interruptions in the flow of language offer us the best opportunities for emotional communication. How well you are able to navigate pauses and send these signals will depend on your ability to manage stress and experience your own emotions as well as the other person's.

Nonverbal communication & emotional awareness

How does emotional awareness improve nonverbal communication? Emotional recognition and expression is the glue that creates and maintains connection in relationships. Awareness of, comfort with, and respect for your emotions makes you much more sensitive to other people’s feelings.

Emotional savvy gives you the ability to:

• Accurately read the emotional cues others send—pick up on worry, sadness, grief, or overwhelm.
• Respond with nonverbal cues that reflect emotional understanding and care—indicating that you notice and care.
• Be congruent—avoid confusing and confounding others with words that contradict your true feelings. 
• Know if the relationship is meeting your emotional needs—giving you the ability to repair the relationship or move on.

Savvy nonverbal emotional communication is also an extremely important resource for managing and avoiding conflict. No part of nonverbal communication speaks louder than your emotions – and nothing can have greater influence over others.

Successful nonverbal communication

Nonverbal communication is a rapidly flowing interactive process.  Self-awareness and an understanding of the cues you may be sending are paired with the cues others send and pick up from you. To do this effectively, it is necessary to clear your mind of all distractions. If you are planning, analyzing, creating, fantasizing, talking to yourself, thinking about the other person or what to say,  then you won't be paying attention to the moment-to-moment experience, have the presence of mind to pick up on nonverbal cues, or fully understand what's really going on in the conversation.

Improving your nonverbal communication

Before we can improve any behavior, we have to fully recognize it. We need to see what we are doing, free of criticism, judgment, blame, or shame.

As a learning experience, for a few weeks jot down or tape record your observations of yourself and others. Include both people who are important to you and casual acquaintances.  Try to pay attention to:

• Eye contact: Does it seem missing,  too intense, or just right.
• Facial expression:  Is it masklike and unexpressive, or emotionally present and filled with interest?
• Tone of voice: Does the voice project warmth, confidence, and delight, or is it strained and blocked?
• Posture and gesture: Does your body feel still and immobile, or relaxed? Sense the degree of tension in your shoulders and jaw. What do you observe about the tension in the body of the person you are speaking to?
• Touch: How do you like to be touched? Who do you like to have touching you?
• Intensity: Do you or the person you are communicating with seem flat, cool, and disinterested, or over-the-top and melodramatic?
• Timing and pace: when you or someone you care about makes an important statement, does the response come too quickly or too slowly? Is there an easy flow of information back and forth?
• Sounds that convey understanding: Do you use or pick up on sounds from others that indicate caring or concern?

The point of this exercise is to develop awareness.  As you continue to pay attention, you will likely improve your nonverbal communication and your Emotional Intelligence.  

Related Links: Relationship Help Series

Additional Resources for nonverbal communication

Flirting and Body Language – Discusses the nonverbal cues communicated by individuals in dating situations. (BBC)

Introduction in Nonverbal Communication – Lengthy article addressing a variety of nonverbal aspects of communication for classroom teachers, but applicable in other situations. It includes several photos and diagrams to illustrate points made. (Fort Hays State University)

Authored by Jeanne Segal, Ph.D with Jaelline Jaffe, Ph.D;  Last modified on: 8/03/08