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The benefits of emotional management
Emotional stress is a contributing factor in most mental health and social problems, as well as physical health problems. Many people simply haven’t had the early life experiences that enable them to be resilient to stress. But it is never too late to develop the skills of emotional stress management, which can be learned at any time of life. The ability to calm and sooth yourself under stress is a cornerstone of mental and emotional health that permits you to:
- Prevent mental health problems, and many physical health problems, from occurring
- Stabilize and overcome a wide range of crushing health problems
- Find pleasure in life – participate in playful and joyous activities by yourself and with others
- Experience self confidence – replace insecurity with a positive, realistic perspective
- Build rewarding and meaningful relationships
To effectively relieve emotional stress, you need to be able to:
- Recognize stress and bring your nervous system into balance
- Stay both aware of, and in control of, your emotions
Part 1: Learning to use our senses for emotional balance
Adult stress can be brought into balance in one of two ways:
- By being with people that we trust who themselves are calm and focused, and/or
- By using one or more of our senses to bring our nervous systems into balance
By learning to use our senses you will acquire tools for managing and reducing stress. By learning to control your stress response you bring your nervous system into balance, allowing you to feel calm, focused and in control of yourself.
For background on how stress affects you and your relationships see Managing Stress
How does your nervous system respond to stress?
Every person’s nervous system reacts differently to stressful situations. No two of us are likely to react in exactly the same way. In describing stress responses, Dr. Connie Lillas, a Los Angeles child development expert, uses the analogy of driving a car.
Foot on the Gas |
Driver exhibits heated, angry, in-your-face response; is agitated, and can’t sit still. Many of us react to stress by becoming angry and agitated. We want to act, sometimes impulsively. The energy here is analogous to the “fight” response. |
Foot on the Brake |
Driver seems shut down, spaced-out, withdrawn – showing little energy or emotion. Other individuals react to stress by emotionally turning away from it. This is the “flight” response. Such individuals may seem restless, withdrawn, or zoned-out; their stress reactions may seem minimally responsive, though internally this is not the case. |
Foot on the Gas and the Brake |
Driver is tense and still; eyebrows raised, eyes wide open, shoulders tight and lifted; frozen; can’t get going and can’t accomplish anything. Some individuals have had frightening, overwhelming experiences that have “wired” their nervous systems to “freeze” when challenged by stress. Their stress responses are especially complex and contradictory. This person may look paralyzed, but is racing within. |
Stressful situations rarely send out advance warnings. When you’re tired and irritated, and run into a confrontation with an equally stressed-out loved one or colleague, there’s no “pause” button you can push in order to think things through at your leisure. You need be able to do something in a hurry to calm down, get energized, and focus yourself.
People who have been traumatized often require special help
Individuals who have experienced an overwhelming physical or emotional event may have difficulty applying stress relief techniques and often require professional assistance. Sometimes people who have been traumatized do not recognize their situation as traumatic (for example, if survival depended on downplaying the significance of a situation). If you have difficulty applying these techniques on your own, you may want to consult a psychotherapist for assistance.
Self help for defusing stress – Finding your keys to calmness
The sensory activities below can help you reduce stress. As you explore these activities, take the time to enjoy yourself and to discover what works best for you. Begin with the senses that are the most appealing as you look for sensory stimulants that:
- Both relax and energize you – that simultaneously help you feel flexible, at ease, safe, and alert
- Have immediate impacts – that bring instantaneous and positive responses
- Are enjoyable – that bring a smile to your face and a warmth in your heart
- Are dependable – that consistently help you feel more in control
- Are available – that are at hand or easily accessible
Try the following sensory activities in any order you wish, ideally when you are not concerned about being interrupted.
Sights
Surround yourself with images that make you feel wonderful.
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Sounds
Experiment to discover sounds that you find renewing, supportive, and sustaining.
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Smells
Surround yourself with scents to calm you or energize you.Some common calming and energizing scents include: lavender, mint, chamomile, rose, jasmine, eucalyptus, sage, basil, rosemary, and ginger.
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Soothing scents come in a variety of forms:
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Touch
Play with tactile sensations that relax and renew you.
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Movement
Get a move on and get comfortable in your own space. Feel your muscles and tendons respond as you engage in some form of freeing movement.
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Tastes
Experiment with food, in moderation. Become aware of certain foods that are soothing, when eating increases pleasure and may reduce stress-related hunger. However, although food will work for some people, but it’s not the ideal choice for those with weight problems or eating disorders.
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Part 2: Learning to cope with stressful emotions
In order to comfortably experience emotions that you may have found frightening or unpleasant in the past, you will need to be able calm and sooth yourself – by yourself! For this reason it is not advised that you move on to Step 3 below until you can do this. However, you may want to review Step 3 to better understand how and why the skills in Steps 1 and 2 are needed to make the exercise not only successful, but emotionally comfortable.
It isn’t so much what happens to you as how you respond to it that causes overwhelming stress. How you respond is determined by your familiarity and comfort with the intense emotions you experience. That is why emotional self management is the key to controlling debilitating stress.
This exercise helps you control your emotional experience by instantly moving back and forth between agreeable and disagreeable feelings. As you gain skill in experiencing all of your emotions, and all of their intensity, you will be able to better tolerate those feelings that have seemed frightening and overwhelming in the past. You will also be able to face intensely difficult situations without numbing your emotions or becoming overwhelmed by them. This enables you to effectively manage emotional stress.
This four-step exercise incorporates the sensory activities (sight, sound, smell, touch, or movement) that you discovered above, and practiced using, which are most calming and soothing to you.
Step 1: Setting the stage
Choose an appropriate time when you will not be interrupted, and when you can be sure to end the exercise promptly.
Select a time that is not near to your bedtime – this exercise can be very relaxing, and you want to avoid falling asleep.
Set a timer. After you have done the exercise for 10 or 20 minutes, STOP and resume your normal activities.
Take special notice that feelings of distress, such as those often experienced during the exercise, can be nipped in the bud and leave you with feelings of increased energy, productivity, and self-confidence.
To set the stage for the exercise:
- Find a quiet room – a private area that meets your sensory needs.
- Make sure your surroundings feel completely safe and comfortable.
- Shut off your phone and lock the door. Hang a “Do Not Disturb” sign, if necessary.
- Set a timer for 10 to 20 minutes during Part B. (You will later reset the timer for Part C.)
- Find a comfortable chair that supports your back, or lie down – if you're sure you won’t fall asleep.
- Furnish the space you have selected for the exercise with some keys to calmness – several sensory input items that you have determined work for you to defuse stress. These may be items that soothe or energize you, and may include photos or posters of loved ones or beautiful scenes; scented candles; soft fabrics; a dish of fruit, or another sweet, salty, or crunchy snack; recordings of natural sounds or music. Remember that your keys to calmness may include movement, such as walking around the room.
- Set up a CD player or other means to play music, if you wish. Music easily evokes emotions and can fill a useful role. You can use music to evoke the emotion you want to explore. For example, if you've uncovered sadness in one exercise session and want to learn more about that feeling, use music that makes you feel sad.
- Take off your shoes and loosen your clothing.
- Stretch out and relax for a bit in the comfort of this setting.
- Close your eyes, if you are comfortable doing so. If you choose to, you can leave your eyes open.
- Don't smoke, drink alcohol, or eat during the exercise.
- In general, the less reliant you are on drugs, the easier it will be to focus, because most medications block emotional centers in the brain to some degree.
Step 2: Reconnect with strong feelings – in moderation
Take the time to experience the muscular sensations and gut feelings that emotions arouse in your body. It’s useful to work your way through these four steps for as little as two minutes, with several repetitions, up to a total of 10 to 20 minutes. You can “guesstimate” the time you spend on each repetition; no matter what, don’t watch the clock! The timer you set will alert you when the session is finished.
- Tense, tighten and then release each body part, working your way up from your toes to your neck, head and face, then back down to your toes. Focus on the muscles of each body part as you squeeze for a count of five to seven seconds before releasing the tension. Allow all parts of your body to feel limp and relaxed once you have squeezed and released them.
- Clear your mind of all thoughts. Take several slow, deep breaths, releasing your thoughts each time you exhale. Make sure to exhale as much air as you inhale. Put one hand on your chest and the other on your belly. Are both of your hands moving? If not, breathe in a little more fully and let go a little more completely. As you continue, allow your body to sink comfortably into the chair, bed, or floor. Try repeating the words “soft belly and soft chest” as you breathe in and out, for a deeper sensation. Ridding yourself of thoughts isn’t easy. It’s likely they will intermittently pop back into your consciousness. When that happens, focus on your breathing, and again, let go of those thoughts while exhaling.
- Choose an emotional trigger – something
you recall (from childhood, if possible) that was a small hurt or mildly
irritating experience.
a. Slowly scan your entire body to find the spot where a feeling is most intense. Is it in your stomach, chest, shoulders, or somewhere else?
b. Focus all of your attention on this one area and direct your breath to its core.
c. Experience the physical sensations that occur while you continue to breathe deeply.
- If you become uncomfortable, use one or more of your keys to calmness – the sensory input items or actions that you have discovered to help defuse stress. Indulge the pleasant feelings your item or action elicits until you feel safe and comfortable. When ready, go back to the uncomfortable feelings you were exploring.
- Repeat this process as often as necessary, until your allotted time is up.
Step 3: Go deeper – reconnecting confidently to intense emotions
This section develops your ability to experience deeper emotions – such as anger, sadness, fear, or joy – without being concerned about repercussions. Surprisingly, joy can be the most difficult emotion to fully experience. Please note: This section is optional. You may skip this section, but it is crucial that you complete Step 4.
- Repeat steps 1 an 2 – resetting the timer to add another 10 to 20 minutes – tracking your emotional experience throughout the exercise.
- Allow the feelings in your body to take root by continuing
to breathe deeply into the area where the feelings are intensely focused.
- Scan your body for physical sensations, but also permit yourself to be emotionally engaged – to be frightened, angry, or sad – if that's how you feel.
- You may begin with one feeling, but find it shifts into another, or that the source of the feeling moves elsewhere in your body. Follow the new feeling as long as it proves to be more intense than the last.
- If you're not experiencing much feeling of any sort, focus on that – what it feels like to feel nothing. Intensify your experience by repeating, “I allow the feeling,” with each breath, as long as it doesn’t become a mental demand.
- You'll know that your intellect has taken over if the feeling you're trying to focus on tends to diminish rather than intensify.
- Hang in there. Stay with the most intense feeling for 10 to 20 minutes, or
as long as you can.
- Don’t force the issue and push for a release; a bit at a time is just as effective and less taxing. The point here is to allow, rather than force, the feelings to emerge. This is about trusting your body to indicate how much it wants you to feel in this moment. You'll get better at it over time.
- Some people cry during this part of the process – not necessarily due to sadness, but because they've repressed feelings for so long that the release can be intense. But tears are not necessary for a release; some individuals moan or make other sounds, sometimes stretching or moving their bodies during the process.
- Trembling is a common physical manifestation of resistance. Your mind may be saying an intense feeling is not okay. Just remind yourself that it is okay. If you begin to tremble, continue to breathe deeply and hold your focus. - Again, if you become uncomfortable, use one or more of your keys to calmness – the
sensory input items or actions that you know will calm, relax, and balance
you.
- Remain with these pleasant feelings until you feel safe and comfortable. Then, go back again to the uncomfortable feelings you were exploring.
Step 4 : Finish up strong by seamlessly returning to the world around you
This final aspect of the exercise is necessary for closing it on the right note, empowering you with a greater sense of mastery and control. Skipping this step is not advised.
- When the timer goes off, stand up, open your eyes wide, and stretch. Stamp your feet, walk around, and wash your face if you've shed tears.
- If you’ve been crying hard, you might be tempted to keep on releasing emotional energy beyond the allotted time. Don’t do it.
- Redirect your focus and go back to your life in the world.
- You've plunged into your feelings so that you can reemerge – not remain. - Stop focusing exclusively on your feelings – redirect your thoughts toward your normal daily activities. Although your focus has now shifted to the outside world, you'll retain some of the feeling awareness you just experienced.
- Allow the feeling sensations to remain with you, even though you aren’t focusing on them.
- Take stock of your energy and newfound clarity – notice if colors seem brighter, or sounds seem clearer. Are you accomplishing more than usual? You may feel more self-aware, more self-assured.
- Describe this experience to someone who is a good listener, within a few days of completing the exercise. This reinforces what you are learning.
- Practice the exercise every day, or as often as you can – until you can experience raw emotion without becoming overwhelmed.
Incorporate the new learning into your life. Enlist a loved one, friend, relative, or counselor to practice with you. This should be someone who cares about you and your emotions; someone who won’t interrupt or give unsolicited advice, or who asks too many questions.
Checking your progress
How far have you come in your ability to manage emotional stress? Like working out at the gym, the more you flex your emotions, the more “emotional muscle” you build. The more consistently you practice, the greater the changes you’ll experience in what you feel, think, and do.
The following quiz will help assess how comfortable you are with your intense emotions.
Quiz: Assessing your emotional intelligence
- Are you tolerant of experiencing feelings that include anger, sadness, fear, disgust, and joy?
- Do you experience emotions as physical sensations – in your stomach, chest, shoulders, or elsewhere?
- Do your feelings flow freely during the day – are there times when you’re happy and playful; others when you’re sad or mad? Do you find yourself frightened rather than mad if someone cuts in front of your car?
- Are you able to experience intense feelings, or do you try to numb them? Do you alter your feelings into more acceptable emotions?
- Do you know how to calm down when you feel overwhelmed?
- Do you use emotional feedback in your decision-making processes? When something sounds good, but feels bad, do you give it a second thought?
- Are you able to comfortably talk about your emotions?
- Do your emotions help you communicate more effectively?
If you answered “yes” to most of these questions, congratulations! If you think you still need work in order to feel comfortable and in charge of all your emotions, keep up the practice and you will soon see positive results!
Related Links
Attachment and Relationships: How the Attachment Bond Shapes Adult Relationships
Brain Evolution: How Relationships Influence Brain Development
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