Playing Together for Fun:

“What do most Nobel Laureates, innovative entrepreneurs, artists and performers, well-adjusted children, happy couples and families, and the most successfully adapted mammals have in common? They play enthusiastically throughout their lives. --- What common denominator is shared by mass murderers, abused children, burnt-out employees, depressed mothers, caged animals, and chronically worried students? Play is rarely or never a part of their lives.” -- Stuart Brown, Institute of Play

"Laughter is a holy thing. It is as sacred as music and silence and solemnity, maybe more sacred. Laughter is like a prayer, like a bridge over which creatures tiptoe to meet each other. Laughter is like mercy; it heals. When you can laugh at yourself, you are free.” -- Ted Loder, University of New Hampshire

"When you're depressed, the whole body is depressed, and it translates to the cellular level. The first objective is to get your energy up, and you can do it through play. It's one of the most powerful ways of breaking up hopelessness and bringing energy into the situation" -- Dr. Carl Simonton

“For a small child there is no division between playing and learning; between the things he or she does “just for fun” and things that are “educational.” The child learns while living and any part of living that is enjoyable is also play." -- Penelope Leach, UK psychologist

" ...the Creator put fun on the earth to mark out correct solutions. He said that if what you're doing isn't fun, it needs re-evaluation. When you have fun in it, chances are you're on the right path." -- Manitonquat aka Medicine Story

What is play?

Play is a state of mind that is safe, inquisitive and exists in the moment. It is also a bodily state of relaxation and an uplifting and engaged emotional state. Some say play is a spiritual state of profound connection and joy. Play can be something we do by ourselves or with others, but it is also something we can watch others do. Play is often described as a time when we feel most alive, yet we often take it for granted and may completely forget about it. Play can be entirely positive, or have a negative. We play:

Some of the Reasons We Play
to learn to create to feel challenged to pass time to calm and focus ourselves	as spectators watching others competitively to win cooperatively for the fun of it for the joy of it

Most people believe that play is unproductive, and therefore inferior to “productive” activities. Perhaps this is because we equate play with feeling –happy joyous feeling –that traditionally is seen as less important than thinking. Many of us have lists, at home and at the office, prioritizing tasks by how productive they are. When we run out of time, we cut the fun stuff and do the “productive” stuff because we may feel guilty or bad if we play hooky or goof off by playing a game of golf or chess, taking a hike in the woods or daydreaming for an hour. New research on the brain contradicts this cultural dismissal of play, by emphasizing the importance of feelings and the necessity of feeling safe and relaxed in order to think clearly and productively. Play teaches us how to manage and transform our “negative” emotions and experiences; it supercharges learning, and is a foundational factor in good mental and physical health. And, it can make work more pleasurable.

How can play trigger the flow state?

Psychiatrist and writer Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, (pronounced "chicks send me high”) studied play in Sidney, Australia and described it as a flow state that requires just the right balance of challenge and opportunity. If the game is too hard or too easy, it loses its sense of pleasure and fun. Maintaining a flow state in games with others requires all participants, regardless of age or ability, to feel challenged, but not overwhelmed. Csikszentmihalyi’s research has been undertaken and confirmed in several countries, and now reaches 250,000 surveys. In the flow state we feel:

Feelings We Experience in the Flow State
Involvement	Complete focus and concentration, either due to innate curiosity or as the result of training.
Delight	A sense of bliss and positive detachment from everyday reality.
Clarity	Great inner clarity and a built-in understanding about the state of affairs.
Confidence	An innate sense that the activity is doable and that your skills are adequate to the task. Additionally, you don’t feel anxious or bored.
Serenity	A sense of peace and an absence of worries about self.
Timeliness	Thorough focus on the present and a lack of attention to the passing of time.
Motivation	Intrinsic understanding about what needs to be done and a desire to keep the moment of play moving.

Why is play an important part of our lives?

Humans are designed by nature to play, and have played throughout evolution. Playfulness is an inborn ability that is hardwired into our genetic code. Play is part of how humans have adapted and survived everywhere on Earth, from the tropics to the great deserts to the Arctic Circle. We want to play because it is instinctive and fundamental to our existence; it is one of the evolutionary mechanisms that enabled us to develop as a species. Playing helps us survive by connecting us to other human beings and to sources of energy and excitement within ourselves. Play is simultaneously a source of calmness and relaxation, as well as a source of stimulation for the brain and body.

Play will be important to our future. Some futurists have said that we'll need to be more inventive, creative, and flexible to handle the tasks, flow and rhythm of life in this century and beyond. A sure (and fun) way to develop these abilities is to play – with your children and grandchildren, your officemates and friends.

What are the lifelong benefits of laughter and play?

Lifelong Benefits of Laughter and Play
Social skills	Social skills are learned in the give and take of play. Without play, people have a difficult time developing skills of communicating trust and mutual pleasure. If play is minimal or contains conflicting signals, these skills are not integrated or refined. Concepts of verbal and body language, safety and danger, freedom and boundaries are discovered and practiced repeatedly during infant and child play. Other important qualities that develop through regular play include empathy, compassion and the capacity for intimacy. Emotional intelligence is also developed through play.
Personal strengths	The ability to take on responsibility, find meaning in life, and perhaps discover our personal bliss requires a full measure of play. Play develops adaptability and flexibility, which are fundamental to positive, proactive behavior. Humor and imagination are also byproducts of play. Playful activity is calming and relaxes our nervous systems so that we feel safe which leads us to the next great benefit of play – learning.
Learning	Playful discovery is a doorway to learning. Play helps us exercise our problem solving and adaptive abilities by stimulating our imaginations. Play arouses curiosity, which leads to discovery and creativity. The components of play – curiosity, discovery, novelty, risk-taking, trial and error, pretense, games, social etiquette and other increasingly complex adaptive activities – are the same as the components of learning.
Health	The benefits of laughter and play in easing, overcoming and preventing both physical and emotional health problems are numerous. Studies show that laughing lowers blood pressure, reduces stress hormones, increases muscle flexion, and boosts immune function by raising levels of infection-fighting T-cells, disease-fighting proteins called Gamma-interferon and B-cells, which produce disease-destroying antibodies. Laughter may also trigger the release of endorphins, the body's natural painkillers, and produce a general sense of well-being. These and other benefits are described more fully in the section devoted to play and health.
Connection	Openness of one's heart to others is enhanced through the joy of play. Consistently establishing positive connections with others while playing sets a standard that people, especially children, recognize and return to in search of more positive connections. Sharing joy, laughter and fun with others promotes bonding and strengthens a sense of community. Play-deprived kids are more vulnerable to impulsive behavior, especially when over-stimulated by TV, video games, the emotions of others, or their own easily aroused emotions.
Perseverance	The rewards of learning or mastering a new game teaches us that perseverance is worthwhile. Perseverance is a trait necessary to healthy adulthood, and it is learned largely through play. Perseverance and violence are rarely found together.
Joy and happiness	Beyond all these excellent reasons for playing, there is simply the sheer fun of it. Play is a state of being happy and joyous. Jumping into and out of the world of play on a daily basis can preserve and nourish our own hearts, and the hearts of our communities.

Why is it important to play at work?

When researchers follow pre-teen children’s attitude about play, they discovered that some children called almost everything they did “play” while others called almost everything they did “work”. Reconnecting with the children at the end of adolescence, the children who thought of everything as play were more successful and happier in school and were more content socially than the people who saw everything as “work”.

Success at work does not depend on the amount of time you work. It depends upon the quality of work, and the quality of work depends on the level of well-being of the workers. The level of well-being depends significantly on the how often they replenish themselves through play in any of its forms. Work is where we spend much of our time. That is why it is especially important for us to play during work. Without some recreation, our work suffers. Most of us have been working faster, harder, and smarter, and with diminishing free time. We first thought that working faster, harder, and smarter would handle our increased workload, but that is not the case. We still got behind and became chronically overwhelmed. When the project you're working on hits a serious glitch (as they frequently do), heading out to the basketball court with your colleagues to shoot some hoops and have a few laughs does a lot more than take your mind off the problem. If basketball isn't your cup of tea, having a model airplane contest, telling stories, or flying kites in the parking lot will also allow your relationship to the problem to shift and enable you to approach it from a new perspective. Interjecting play into the work cycle:

• keeps you sane and functional during times of stress;
• refreshes your mind and body;
• renews hope;
• triggers creativity; and
• increases energy.

How does play affect physical health?

The therapeutic benefits of laughter have been studied. Dr. Lee Berk and fellow researcher Dr. Stanley Tan of Loma Linda University in California have been studying the effects of laughter on the immune system. The following is a summary of this research, taken from an interview published in the September/October 1996 issue of the Humor and Health Journal.

Laughter activates the immune system – In Berk's study, the physiological response produced by belly laughter was opposite of what is seen in classical stress, supporting the conclusion that mirthful laughter is a eustress state -- a state that produces healthy or positive emotions.

Research results indicate that, after exposure to humor, the activity in the immune system increases. Laughter appears to tell the immune system to “turn it up a notch.” Laughter causes increases in:

Laughter's Effects on the Immune System

Number and activity level of natural killer cells that attack viral infected cells and some types of cancer and tumor cells. Activated T cells (T lymphocytes). There are many T cells that await activation. Antibodies IgA (immunoglobulin A), which fights upper respiratory tract insults and infections. Gamma interferon, which tells various components of the immune system to "turn on.” Antibodies IgB, the immunoglobulin produced in the greatest quantity in body, as well as an increase in Complement 3, which helps antibodies to pierce dysfunctional or infected cells. The increase in both substances was not only present while subjects watched a humor video; there also was a lingering effect that continued to show increased levels the next day.

Laughter decreases "stress" hormones – The results of the study also supported research indicating a general decrease in stress hormones that constrict blood vessels and suppress immune activity. These were shown to decrease in the study group exposed to humor. For example, levels of epinephrine, also known as adrenaline and associated with increased heart rate, were lower in the group both in anticipation of humor and after exposure to humor. Epinephrine levels remained down throughout the experiment. In addition, dopamine levels (as measured by dopac) were also decreased. Epinephrine and dopamine are involved in the "fight or flight response" which prepares the body for strenuous activity and are associated with elevated blood pressure and increased heart rate.

Laughter decreases pain – Experts believe that, when used as an adjunct to conventional care, laughter can reduce pain and aid the healing process. For one thing, laughter offers a powerful distraction from pain. In a study published in the Journal of Holistic Nursing, patients were told one-liners after surgery and before painful medications were administered. Those exposed to humor perceived less pain when compared to patients who didn't get a dose of humor as part of their therapy. Laughter brings in positive emotions that can enhance – not replace – conventional treatments. Hence it is another tool available to help fight the disease.

Laughter is free, always available and has no known negative side effects – Additional free and harmless health benefits of laughter include:

Additional Health Benefits of Laughter

Muscle relaxation – Belly laughs result in muscle relaxation. While you laugh, the muscles that do not participate in the belly laugh, relax. After you finish laughing those muscles involved in the laughter start to relax. So, the action takes place in two stages. Cardiac exercise – A belly laugh is equivalent to "an internal jogging." Laughter can provide good cardiac conditioning especially for those who are unable to perform physical exercises. Laughing is aerobic, providing a workout for the diaphragm and increasing the body's ability to use oxygen. Blood pressure – Women seem to benefit more than men in preventing hypertension. Respiration – Frequent belly laughter empties your lungs of more air than it takes in resulting in a cleansing effect, similar to deep breathing. It is especially beneficial for patients who are suffering from emphysema and other respiratory ailments.

How does play make us smarter?

There is a unique pattern of brain wave activity during the perception of humor – a pattern that organizes the brain and enables us to act smarter. When two people experience the same emotions, they are in synchrony and create a context of resonance, which is now thought to play a fundamental role in brain organization. Humor perception involves the whole brain and serves to integrate and balance activity in both hemispheres. Play positively shapes the brain by:

• Serving the adaptive role of organizing emotional circuits, a function also performed by rapid eye movement (REM) dream sleep.
• Generating biologically based communication that calms and energizes the nervous system.
• Providing an anecdote to apprehension and panic, necessary for full social and emotional development.

How does play foster emotional development?

Play is essential to successful attachment bonding between infants and those that care for them. Interactive play – playing together for the fun of it – brings about self-regulation in the infant and sets the stage for self-awareness, self-confidence and trust in self and others. Aggression, anxiety, mixed signals or indifference from parents, caretakers, and teachers stops the development of optimism, hope, and playfulness in children and leads to depression, fear and disillusionment in adults. Play and playing together for the fun of it is a powerful resource for creating emotional well-being.

From the beginning of life play shapes social and emotional development and acts as:

A cornerstone for the attachment bond – Attachment centers on the ability of caretaker and infant to play interactively together for the fun of it. An adequate attachment relationship facilitates the expansion of the child’s coping capacities and ability to withstand stress. The bond of attachment creates not only a sense of safety, but also a positively charged curiosity that fuels the burgeoning self’s exploration of novel social, emotional and physical environments. This ability is a marker of adaptive infant mental health. The lack of the ability to engage in interactive play is an indicator of maladaptive infant health and a marker of adult emotional distress.

An antidote to loneliness, isolation, anxiety and depression – When we play vigorously, we trigger a mix of endorphins that lift our spirits and distractions that distance us from pain, fear and other burdens. And when we play with other people, with friends and strangers, we are reminded that we are not alone in this world. We can connect to others in delightful and meaningful ways that banish loneliness.

An antidote to violence – Play acts as a remedy to violent tendencies and is a powerful catalyst for positive socialization. Those who avoid or have never learned to play may become lost in the world of fear, rage, and obsessive worry.

A bandage to help heal emotional wounds – When adults play interactively together for the fun of it, they are engaging in exactly the same patterns of behavior that positively shape the brain and predict emotional health in children. And there is reason to believe that these same playful behaviors may also impact the adult brain and lead to positively changed behavior. The brain, we now know, remains flexible throughout life and is most amenable to change in contexts, especially those contexts that involve others, feel safe and are emotionally rich. Studies show that an emotionally insecure individual can replace negative beliefs and behaviors with positive assumptions and actions by living with a secure spouse. Close, positive and emotionally fulfilling relationships heal and create emotional resiliency. Play provides a safe and joyous context for the development of such relationships.

What if you don’t know or have forgotten how to play – how do you get started?

We are fortunate in having Bernie DeKoven, one of the originators of the New Games movement, to answer this question. Bernie, whose websites are listed in the references section, has devoted his life to developing games for adults that bring people together emotionally in the context of playing for fun. Bernie says: “You don’t have to have rules or goals or a board or even anything to play with except each other. But whatever it is that you’re playing, there are two things you have to take seriously: being together, and the sheer fun of it all. No game is more important than the experience of being together, being joined, being equal - governed by the same rules, playing for the same purpose. And no purpose is more uniting and freeing than the purpose of being fun with each other.”

Bernie makes important points about winning and losing:

• It’s OK for you to lose. This may be hard to remember at the time. But getting beaten, fair and square, by your own grandkid, is one of life’s great events.
• Nobody has to lose - For some reason, both adults and children tend to take games more seriously than anyone needs to. That's why it is not unusual for a trivial game to end up as a contest of wills and for children to wind up in tears because they've "lost."
• Despite your best efforts to keep the competition friendly and fun, the very existence of winners and losers shifts the focus of the game away from fun and playfulness. It separates rather than unites, alienates rather than embraces.
• Yes, the separation can be overcome. Whenever it happens that opponents embrace each other it is a victory and a honing of the human spirit. But it is a rare occurrence.

Here are some suggestions for playing games where no one has to lose:

• Instead of stopping a game when someone wins, just continue playing until everyone wins. There's the first winner, then the second winner, and then the third.
• When playing a two-person game, like checkers or ping-pong, try playing with three players, and rotate turns.
• If there are only two of you, in checkers, for example, just trade sides every third or fifth turn so that you have to play the other's person's position.

What are lifelong games?

Play is a part of life that continues to serve our needs for fun, meaning and restoration. Here are some lifelong games that are truly lifelong because they are especially fun when played between kids and parents and grandparents, all together at the same time. Which is precisely the point.

In order to experience deep fun in play with a wide range of people, Bernie suggests that we learn a variety of games and game formats. That way, we discover new games for our own enjoyment and increase the likelihood of finding ways to have fun with a great many people.

Walking Games

Free Form Frisbee Golf.

When you're out for a walk, take a Frisbee, plastic plate, or shoe with you. Decide on the target you'd like to hit : a tree, or rock, or fire hydrant – something visible, indestructible, and at least two good throws away. Next, estimate how many throws it will take to get to the target (that's going to be par). One of you tees off (throws). The other picks the Frisbee up where it landed and throws from there. Your joint score is the total number of throws it takes to get through a course that you basically make up as you go along.

Waiting Games
Found Object Song Writing.	When you're in the car and the preschool grandkids are getting restless, start singing something you all know: “Row, Row, Row Your Boat,” for example. As you drive along, change the words to something you both observe so that you make a silly song: “Row, Row, Row your rock gently down the trash can; merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a billboard.”
Colors.	Here's a game that fills time if you have to wait in line or sit in traffic. On somebody’s signal, everybody says a color. Then, on the next signal, everybody says another color (not the one that you just said). And on and on until everybody just happens to say the same color at the same time.

Indoor Games
Cranks.	When you're stuck inside and you want to get the kids away from the TV, play a game where one person is the Cranked and the others are the Crankers. The Crankers take turns attaching an imaginary crank to any body joint (elbow, knee, finger, wrist) that will move the body part in the direction the Cranker wants that part to go -- up or down or left or right. It's most fun if you try to get the Cranked to do something, like eat a piece of bread or sit down.
Theater of the Air	This game for creative fidgeters is played when everyone is tired enough to lie down for a while. You lie on your backs, with your heads together like spokes on a wheel. And you all put your hands straight up, so you can see everybody's hands, and you get an instant Air Stage effect. It's like a stage up there, where our disembodied hands can carry on conversations, speaking in our disembodied voices. We're on our backs. Spokes in a wheel, hands in the air. We let our fingers do the talking. It's like shadow puppetry without the shadows. Hand shaking. Hand slapping. Hand music. Hand dancing. And whenever we need to thicken the plot, in come the Silly Foot Beings, the dialog with whom invariably leading to a semi-yogic collectively callisthenic performance of Whole Body Theatre.

Anywhere Games
Prui.	(pronounced "proo-eee"). Clear the dance floor (living room, kitchen, back yard). Get more or less everyone together. (For any game to be fun, participation has to be optional). When the mass is about as critical as it will get, everyone closes their eyes and starts milling around. When people bump into each other, they shake hands, while saying prui. If the person they encounter is not prui, they each go off to find someone else. On the other hand (as it were) when someone bumps into the actual, pre-appointed prui, shakes hands and says prui, the prui shakes hands, doesn't say anything, and doesn't let go. Now both people are prui, remaining prui until the end of the game. If either of them is encountered by anyone else, more people are added to the prui. The game continues until more or less everyone has become prui. Then they can open their eyes. There are some exceptionally fun moments as more and more people feel their way towards pruiness. It gets quieter and quieter. The plaintive sounds of the unpruied few mingling with the invisibly giggling many.
Group Juggling.	You need a lot of tossable/catchable things, almost one for every player. My favorites are balls made out of socks. Safe. Fun. Get people into a circle. Introduce one ball. Ask the group to toss the ball around the circle, being sure not to toss it to someone too close or too far away. And to continue until everyone gets the ball. (I usually ask people to hold up one hand until they've gotten the ball.) Then have them repeat the toss, exactly in the same pattern. After several rounds, introduce a second ball. (Depending on competencies, the second ball can be in a new pattern or follow the established pattern). The task of the group is to see how many balls they can keep going without dropping any. There are a veritable myriad ways to complicate this activity. Have them try to expand or contract the circle. Walk around. Change directions. Throw in reverse patterns. Add music, a handclapping rhythm.... The main dynamic is between how complex to make it and how to properly assess and engage the increasing skills of the group.
Panther, Person, Porcupine.	There are three positions. Each position has an accompanying sound. I like to ask people to make up both the position and the sound. The Panther position, for example, might be hands like claws, extended, with accompanying roar. The Porcupine position, of course, will require a leap of silliness. If you don't like porcupines, you can try perhaps persimmons or purple painted palomino ponies. Like Rock/Scissors/Paper, each one beats the other - the Panther beats the Person, the Person beats the Porcupine and the Porcupine trumps the Panther. People get into three teams. Each team, as a whole, decides what position it wants to take. When ready, all three times line up in a triangle and display their choice. The team that wins takes a person from each team that it beats. There are two ways that the game can be tied - when all choose the same or when all choose something different. The vast implications of this are quite potentially significant. We recommend that you play until there are only two teams left. If you want the game to go on for another hour or so, continue until everyone is on one team.
The Schmerltz	(also spelled "Shmerlz" or "Schmerlz" or even "Schmerlts") is, in essence, a sock with a tennis ball inside. The ball is worked down to the general sock toe area and a sock knot is made as close to the ball as possible. Following the completion of Schmerltz-making, we enter into the next phase, Schmerltz-tossing. Traditionally, the Schmerltz-tosser holds the Schmerltz by the socktop, whirling the Schmerltz overhead or underarm, and then, when the proper twirling speed is achieved, releases the Schmerltz, thus flinging it into the proverbial air. The Schmerltz-catcher, who may or may not be the same person as the Schmerltz-tosser, then endeavors to 1) catch the Schmerltz by the tail, or 2) avoid getting hit by it, to the genuine amusement of all those so engaged. A Schmerltz made out of pantyhose is no more or less a Schmerltz than a Schmerltz made out of traditional knee-length argyles. A pantyhose Schmerltz containing a soccer ball, or even a tightly rolled and wadded ball made of actual socks, is still a Schmerltz.

Even when you live far from children, you can have fun with them in between visits. Here's an activity to try.

Long Distance Game Playing

Merry Monster Making.

On a blank sheet of paper, start drawing the head and neck of a "monster." When you're finished, fold the paper so that only part of the neck shows, and tape the other part down. Send it to your grandchild (little kids love receiving mail!), with instructions on how to proceed -- such as "Start where I left off, and make a body for the neck. When you're finished, fold it over so that part of the body still shows, and tape down the rest. Then send it back. If you need help with this, ask Mom or Dad." When you get the drawing back, continue drawing the legs, again folding the paper so that your grandchild knows where to continue the drawing, and again taping your part down. When the drawing is complete, untape, unfold, draw or put a frame around it, title it, and send it back to your co-artist. (see Redondo in references and resources for more information.)

References and resources for play and games

The Benefits of Play, Games and Laughter

"Flow" & Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi – Australian website describes theory of “flow” and the relationship between challenge & skills

Fun and Flow – Describes the psychology and sociology of fun. (Bernie DeKoven)

The Importance of Play – Includes a collection of articles on play on subjects such as play and learning, play at work, learning through play, and preventing violence through play. (Institute of Play)

Therapeutic Benefits of Laughter – Holistic online site describes the benefits of humor and laughter.

Fun Quotes – A collection of quotes from people who think a lot about lifelong play. (Bernie DeKoven)

Sites with Specific Activities for Play and Games

Fun-Attic - The Great Game List – Contains a myriad of fun activities and games with some advertising.

Pointless Games™ –“All you have to do to win is play,” a collection of games and activities by Bernie DeKoven. Includes games for many, “less than many” or a few people. (Bernie DeKoven)

More Pointless Games – A collection of party games. (Bernie DeKoven)

Panther, Person, Piston and Beyond – Video clips of lifelong games played at the Bernie DeKoven’s Deep Fun Retreat at the Esalen Institute.

Redondo – Instructions for the drawing game described in “Merry Monster Making.”

Helpguide thanks Bernie DeKoven for his major contributions to this article. He is the author of Junkyard Sports and The Well Played Game.

Gina Kemp, M.A., Bernie DeKoven, and Jeanne Segal, Ph.D., contributed to this article. Last modified on: 2/10/07.