Active listening can be a life-changing skill that improves everything from your relationships to your workplace performance. Learn how to overcome barriers to active listening and improve communication.
Active listening is about making sure the other person is heard and understood. Good listening habits are crucial for effective communication and healthy relationships. They help you clear up misunderstandings at work, build trust with romantic partners, and ensure your family and friends feel acknowledged and supported.
The typical active listening tips involve nodding, holding eye contact, and not interrupting the other person. Although those are some good, basic steps, alone, they can come off as insincere or robotic. Effective listening requires more. After all, you can be doing all of the above and still not be paying attention. You might simply be waiting for your chance to speak or going through the motions of listening without real engagement.
True active listening involves detective-like curiosity. You’re curious about the other person and their experiences. You’re also willing to temporarily suspend your own needs and self interest. When that happens, you don’t have to worry about showing an interest. You are genuinely taking an interest.
When the conversation ends, you walk away with fresh information about the other person, their circumstances, and their feelings. And the other person walks away feeling heard and supported. They may even figure out the solution to a problem they have—not necessarily because you provided the answer, but because you gave them an opportunity to sort through their own thoughts, elaborate, and explore possibilities.
Take some time to explore the benefits of listening and active listening and learn ways to improve your communication skills. The result will be deepened connections, emotional wellness, and much more.
Improving your active listening skills can have far-reaching benefits. In the workplace, your ability to receive feedback and make others feel heard could boost you to leadership positions. In school, you’ll be better able to retain lessons and collaborate with others. In your personal relationships, you’ll deepen your connections with friends, family members, and significant others.
Here are some of the benefits of improved communication:
Stronger connections. When you’re an attentive listener, you validate the other person’s feelings and make them feel seen. They feel safe coming to you with their personal problems and successes alike. A sense of trust and openness grows.
Reduced feelings of loneliness. As your relationships improve, you’re likely to feel a greater sense of belonging. At work, you become part of a team, and in your personal life, you connect with loved ones on a deeper level.
[Read: I Feel Lonely]
Increased confidence. Better communication skills can lead to better interactions with others, and better interactions lead to increased self-confidence.
Increased self-awareness. Active listening encourages you to build more self-awareness, as you’ll practice challenging your automatic assumptions and identifying internal barriers that distract you. As you get better at listening, you might also be more receptive to feedback from others and gain a better understanding of how others perceive you.
Fewer misunderstandings and misinterpretations. Better listening can lead to fewer mistakes in the workplace and more efficient teamwork. In your personal life, it might help you avoid unnecessary arguments.
Conflict resolution. You’ll have an easier time finding compromise when you take the time to fully understand the other person’s perspective, priorities, and needs.
[Read: Conflict Resolution Skills]
Enhanced learning. Whether in the workplace or in academia, you’ll have an easier time retaining information if you’re giving the speaker your full attention.
Have you ever had an important conversation with your partner only to later realize you’ve completely misunderstood them? Or perhaps you’ve had to ask your boss to repeat instructions because your mind wandered off. Listening may seem simple, but all sorts of factors can get in the way.
By understanding the common barriers to effective listening, you’ll be better positioned to overcome them. These barriers can be broken down into internal and external factors.
Internal dialogue. Often, you may be so busy listening to yourself that you fail to listen to the other person. For example, you might be thinking about what to say next while the other person is still speaking. Or maybe your mind isn’t even on the conversation, and you’re planning what groceries to pick up for dinner.
Stress. From personal health concerns to financial worries, sources of stress can make it hard to be attentive. Even seemingly small stressors—like an approaching thunderstorm or late bill payment—can be enough to reduce your focus.
Lack of interest. Sometimes, the topic of discussion is itself a barrier to listening. Imagine a friend retelling a story you’ve already heard or a coworker overexplaining a work assignment. In these cases, your attention wanders because you’re simply disinterested.
Assumptions. Whether you’re in a long-term romantic or platonic relationship, it’s possible you’ve lost some curiosity for your loved one over time. Maybe you assume you know everything about them or can read their mind. This affects your ability to really listen.
These barriers can include anything in your environment that’s interrupting the flow of conversation. Maybe your cell phone keeps ringing, or your children are loudly singing as you try to talk to your spouse. Perhaps the sound of an ambulance siren overpowers your friend’s voice, or you can’t take your eyes off your social media feed.
Barriers can also be more subtle. If the temperature of the room is too high or the seating arrangement feels uncomfortable, any of these factors might distract you.
It’s important to identify which of these obstacles can be addressed and which are out of your control.
Some people appear to be naturally good listeners. Just imagine someone in your personal life or in your workplace who is easy to talk to. They probably don’t come off as judgmental or seem like a know-it-all. However, you always feel a little better after your interactions—you feel unburdened, even if they didn’t offer advice.
The truth is that good listeners have simply refined their skills. They’ve learned how to put their own egos aside and focus fully on what other people are trying to communicate. With practice, it’s possible for you to build the same skills.
No matter how interested you are in what the other person has to say, external factors can disrupt the conversation. Here are some tips on dealing with those common hurdles.
Remove the obvious environmental distractions. For example, turn off the television and put the cellphones away. Even a cellphone sitting on the table during the conversation can be a distraction.
Avoid interruptions. Of course, you’ll want to be polite and avoid talking over the other person. However, it is also possible that people who aren’t part of the conversation might interrupt. If you’re at a party, you may need to find a private space to talk. Or you may need to send your children to their room so you can give your spouse your full attention.
Reschedule the conversation. You can’t control every external barrier to conversation. Sometimes, it’s best to say something like, “This other thing is making it difficult for me to concentrate. Do you mind if we talk about this when I’m better able to listen?” Know that this isn’t a selfish request. It allows you to focus on what’s in front of you in the present and be a better listener later.
Mindfulness is the ability to be present and maintain a nonjudgmental attitude about what you’re experiencing. When you’re mindful in conversation, you’re tuning out external and internal noise and fully focusing on the other person.
Here are a few ways to build mindfulness:
Focus on a single sound. Spend five to 10 seconds concentrating on the hum of an air conditioner, a chirping bird, a song on the radio. Let it take up your full attention. Practice doing this regularly. In conversation, you’ll do the same with the speaker’s voice.
Practice identifying physical sensations. Techniques such as body scan and progressive muscle relaxation promote mindfulness of your body. This can be useful in identifying sensory distractions or noticing when you’re too stressed to be an effective listener. Perhaps you need to address a nagging pain before you can fully focus on a conversation.
Bring your attention back to the present moment. This is a common step in mindfulness meditation practices. Your attention is bound to wander. The important part is that you notice when the wandering occurs and then gently encourage yourself to refocus. When it comes to conversations, you’ll be gently returning your attention to the person speaking.
Don’t fear pauses in conversation. If small silences in conversation make you nervous, you likely spend a lot of time in your head thinking about what to say next. When you do that, you’re not really focused on what’s currently being said. Make a habit of staying attentive and then pausing to digest what the other person said.
A pause can be especially thoughtful if the other person has shared something deeply emotional. A few seconds of silence allows you to respect their needs and decide on a considerate response rather than a knee-jerk reaction.
Stress can scramble your thoughts or turn up the volume of your inner monologue. “How will I pay off this loan?” “Are the kids doing OK?” “Am I going to fail this test?” It’s hard to hear others through all this internal noise. Learn to quiet your mind so you can be a better listener.
Adopt relaxation exercises. You could schedule time for daily relaxation techniques such as meditation or breathing exercises. This can help you relax as well as increase mindfulness. Certain exercise routines, such as yoga, can also help, since they train you to maintain focus on movement and breath work.
Put your stressors on paper. You want to focus on a work meeting, but you can’t stop thinking about an upcoming parent-teacher conference. Or you can’t concentrate in class because you’re stressed about an argument you had with your significant other. Taking a moment to journal about what’s making you stressed may help clear them from your head or at least minimize intrusive looping thoughts.
Acknowledge the uncontrollable. We often spend time fixating on things that we can’t control. Fear of uncertainty pulls you out of the present moment and leaves you in a spiral of “what-if” thoughts. When you feel stuck in a spiral of worries, ask yourself, “What, if anything, can I do to solve this?” Depending on the answer, you can either commit to brainstorming a solution later or try to embrace the uncertainty.
Reflective listening is a strategy designed to foster better understanding and encourage the speaker to continue sharing. If you’re genuinely listening and interested in what’s being said, a lot of this will come naturally. However, trying to use reflective listening techniques to fake interest or attention will only sound artificial.
Show that you’re listening. Body language plays a role here. Good eye contact and leaning in slightly toward the speaker shows that you’re engaged. You can also make short responses to encourage the speaker, such as, “Oh yeah?” or “Go on.”
Seek clarity through paraphrasing. If you’re not sure if you understand what’s being said, express what the other person’s words mean to you. “It sounds like what you’re saying is that you feel unappreciated by your friend?”
Give a summary. Even if you feel confident you understood the message, you may want to summarize what you heard to ensure you’re on the same page. This can be particularly useful if you’re receiving feedback or instructions from another person, such as a boss or coworker.
Allow time for corrections. If the speaker thinks your paraphrasing or summary isn’t quite right, give them time to reexplain. Once you’re on the same page, you can offer a thoughtful response if needed.
Avoid repeating verbatim. When taken to an extreme or used unthoughtfully, paraphrasing, summarizing, or other reflective listening techniques can come off as insincere. For example, if you’re simply repeating whet the speaker says, they’ll likely get annoyed or feel as if you’re not actually paying attention—the exact opposite of what you’re trying to achieve.
When someone communicates an experience or idea, you might instinctively want to follow up with a similar one. For example, if they say, “My partner and I just got back from Europe,” you might have the urge to shift the conversation and talk about your recent trip as well. It’s an attempt to relate to the speaker and find common ground. But in doing so, you might inadvertently be stealing the spotlight and missing an opportunity to show curiosity.
Set your response aside for a moment—you’ll have time to share later—and try the following:
Use follow-up questions. Aim for something open-ended. “What did you enjoy most about the trip?” or “Do you and your partner have an easy time traveling together?”
Aim to explore the person’s feelings rather than asking only for facts. Invite the person to say more, explore their feelings, and build on their ideas. Phrases like, “So, you’re saying…” or “So, you’re feeling…” can be helpful here.
Be aware of common shift impulses. You might shift the conversation as you try to suggest you know how the other person feels or communicate that their problem is “no big deal.” Or maybe you’re trying to solve a problem for them or give unsolicited advice.
Know that listening is sometimes enough. It’s possible the other person doesn’t want you to “fix” their issue. Ask if the person wants advice before giving it.
Body language can account for more than half of the emotional content of a person’s message. So, a major part of listening involves paying attention to nonverbal cues.
Know the basics of body language. Consider what the person’s eyes, facial expression, and posture are communicating. Do they seem stiff and unexpressive? Or are their shoulders relaxed and their eyes lighting up with curiosity?
Remember that not everyone expresses themselves the same way. Regional differences can make a difference when it comes to nonverbal gestures. Factors like age, gender, and culture can also influence a person’s body language cues.
Put all the nonverbal cues together. You don’t want to overanalyze a single gesture. Just because a person crosses their arms doesn’t necessarily mean they’re upset or closed off. How’s their eye contact? Are they flashing a smile? Do they seem otherwise at ease?
Listen to their tone. A person conveys much of their attitude and feelings through their vocal tone, often without even realizing it. Maybe their tone reveals that, despite their willingness to go to a party, they’re actually dreading it. Or perhaps they say they’re doing fine, but you detect some fatigue or annoyance in their voice.
Ask for clarity. If the person’s words don’t seem to make their tone or nonverbal cues, ask some follow-up questions.
Empathy is your ability to see things from another’s perspective and tune into their emotions. Emotional intelligence (EQ) is your ability to notice, understand, and manage your emotions. Both empathy and EQ can be strengthened with some time and effort, and each can enhance your communication skills in different ways.
Here’s how empathy can play a role in active listening:
Maybe, despite your best efforts, you still have a hard time listening. You’re frequently asking people to repeat themselves or you can’t seem to recall what was said when the conversation ends. If active listening seems especially difficult for you, an underlying issue may be at play.
If you suspect that an underlying condition is a barrier to active listening, a professional can help you manage the issue. If poor communication skills are impacting your relationships, you may want to consider counseling, either in-person or online.
BetterHelp is an online therapy service that matches you to licensed, accredited therapists who can help with depression, anxiety, relationships, and more. Take the assessment and get matched with a therapist in as little as 48 hours.
Take Assessment HelpGuide is user supported. We earn a commission if you sign up for BetterHelp’s services after clicking through from this site. Learn moreSociety puts a heavy emphasis on talking—stating your opinions, sharing what you know, being understood. But listening can be even more important in the communication process. If you’re an effective listener, friends are excited to spend time with you, coworkers are eager to collaborate, and perhaps even strangers feel safe expressing themselves around you. In other words, active listening can strengthen your connection with those around you. As you lend an ear to others, they may do the same for you.
Last updated or reviewed on September 23, 2024
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