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Emotions are the building blocks of each relationship in our lives, and the power of those emotions cannot be overlooked. Emotions override our thoughts and profoundly influence our behavior.
Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize, control, and effectively communicate our own emotions, and to recognize the emotions of other people. Emotional intelligence skills allow us to use our emotional building blocks to construct a solid foundation for communication. Well-developed emotional intelligence skills are a better predictor of success in all areas of life (and particularly in relationships) than the traditional measurement of high cognitive intelligence, or IQ.
As the foundation for all verbal and nonverbal communication, emotional intelligence:
- Empowers you to build healthy new relationships
- Helps you strengthen existing relationships
- Helps you to better understand other people
- Helps you to better understand yourself
- Enhances your abilities to communicate effectively
Test Your Emotional Intelligence
What is your current emotional intelligence skill level? Most of us have relationship problems at times with coworkers, acquaintances, friends, relatives, or other people we care about. Your emotional intelligence is your set of key relationship skills that help you establish strong relationships and deal with relationship problems. Find your emotional intelligence skill level by answering “true” or “false” to the questions in this quick relationship quiz.
- I hold eye contact with the person to whom I’m speaking.
- I am comfortable with pauses when others are experiencing emotion.
- I sense when someone feels troubled before being told.
- I am comfortable with my feelings of sadness, joy, anger, and fear.
- I pay attention to my emotions when making decisions.
- I have no problem expressing my emotions to others.
- I can reduce my stress to a comfortable level.
- I enjoy laughing, playing, or kidding around.
- I don’t feel threatened by disagreements
- When others are speaking, I listen to them rather than formulating my reply.
Answering “true” to most of these questions indicates that you already have a good grasp on the skills that will strengthen your relationships and help you avoid relationship problems. But don’t worry if most of your answers were “false.” By learning about emotional intelligence, you can start to raise your emotional intelligence abilities. You will learn the key skills you can use to improve your current relationships, and to forge strong new ones—both in your personal life and the workplace.
The problem with seeking relationship advice
Why do most people seek help with relationships? Most people seek relationship advice to find answers to problems they believe are responsible for their conflicts—without realizing there are more fundamental issues at the core of those problems. They are attempting to heal the surface symptoms of their dysfunctional relationships, without examining the real issues that are simmering beneath. Until those fundamental issues are addressed, the problems and conflicts will continue.
Most of us have been involved in volatile, uncomfortable, or awkward situations. Consider the relationship problems of these individuals:
Fred experienced
emotional and physical pain early in life, and is determined
to keep his family together. His wife is threatening divorce. In
a bestseller, Fred found steps for changing his behavior
and opening a relationship discussion with his wife. Sadly,
most of what Fred relays about his good intentions is lost,
since his nonverbal communication—the true language
of love—speaks only of his needs and ignores hers.
Joeph’s temper is putting hisjob
at 
risk.
Management at his small company has told him to “get
help for your anger, or you are through.” In an anger
management program he learns to recognize warning signs of
an emotional flare-up, and some techniques to cool off. But
after a few successful “cool downs,” Joseph and
his management team are frightened when, during a minor disagreement,
he suddenly explodes in rage.
Allison gets
attention for her good looks and sense of humor, but she
never feels comfortable with herself. She has read many books
on what men want, she dates a lot, but each time she finds
someone she really likes, he stops calling within a short
time. She blames those who disappoint her, but it doesn’t
realize that her poor communication skills are the cause
of her relationship problems.
Alexis’ childhood
was colored by her mother’schronic depression. Now,
as an adult, she is unable to deal with conflict. Armed with
a law degree, she acts and looks like someone in charge of
herself. But her inability to confront conflict has sidetracked
her work. Despite therapy and coaching, she finds herself
unable to advance in her career.
Bonnie’s
parents died when she was an infant. She is determined to
put aside her depression, along with her expectations for
emotional communication in her marriage. A bestseller she’s
read has convinced her that men are incapable of being emotionally
receptive. Bonnie's husband is relieved to be off the hook.
Bonnie, however, finds herself slipping further into depression,
and she has begun to suffer from irritable bowel syndrome.
In each of these examples, supposedly helpful relationship advice proves not to be effective. Why? Because the source of the individual’s relationship problems was never addressed.
Which emotional intelligence skills help build and maintain great relationships?
Today’s technology allows researchers to look at communication from a moment-to-moment perspective. This research has shown that what really keeps people connected with one another is nonverbal communication. This form of communication may be without words, but it’s not necessarily silent; tone of voice or a well-placed sigh can say a great deal. And, it is a visual language. If a conversationalist is standing stiffly, the message he sends may be quite different than if he is visibly relaxed. An obvious eye-roll or a subtle shrug can speak volumes—even without the person’s conscious intention. So, nonverbal communication is vital to keeping our relationships strong and healthy. While every relationship is unique, there are five areas of emotional intelligence that are of vital importance to building and maintaining healthy relationships:
The ability to manage stress in relationships.
Stress shuts down your ability to feel, to think rationally,
and to be emotionally available to another person, essentially
blocking good communication until both you and your partner
feel safe enough to focus on one another. This damages the
relationship. Being able to regulate stress allows you to
remain emotionally available. The first step in communicating
with emotional intelligence is recognizing when stress levels
are out of control and returning yourself and others, whenever
possible, to a relaxed and energized state of awareness.
Read: Managing
Stress in Relationships
The
ability to recognize and manage your emotions.
Emotional exchanges hold the communication process together.
These exchanges are triggered by basic emotions, including
anger, sadness, fear, joy, and disgust. To communicate in
a way that grabs or engages others, you have to
be able to access your emotions. However, your emotions may
be distorted, or unavailable to you, due to the influence
of your earliest childhood relationships. But they can
and must be restored.
Read: Emotion Communicates
The
ability to communicate nonverbally.
The most powerful forms of communication contain no
words, and take place at a much faster rate than speech.
Using nonverbal communication is the way to attract others’ attention
and keep relationships on track. Eye contact, facial expression,
tone of voice, posture, gesture, touch, intensity, timing,
pace, and sounds that convey understanding engage the brain
and influence others much more than your words alone.
Read: Nonverbal
Communication
The
ability to use humor and play in your relationships.
Playfulness and humor help you navigate and rise above difficult
and embarrassing issues. Mutually shared positive experiences
also lift you up, help you find inner resources needed to
cope with disappointment and heartbreak, and give you the
will to maintain a positive connection to your work and your
loved ones.
Read: Playful Communication
Skills
The
ability to resolve conflicts in your relationships.
The way you respond to differences and disagreements in
personal and professional relationships can create hostility
and irreparable rifts, or it can initiate the building
of safety and trust. Your capacity to take conflict in stride
and to forgive easily is supported by your ability to manage
stress, to be emotionally available, to communicate nonverbally,
and to laugh easily.
Read: Conflict Resolution
These 5 relationship skills will:
- Help you see yourself and others in a new light
- Help you recognize the difference between damaging communication and helpful communication
- Help you discover resources for remaining calm and focused, regardless of the circumstances
- Help you discover and improve your emotional awareness
- Help you find more playfulness and joy in your relationships, at work or at home
- Enable you to transform conflict, using it as an opportunity for building trust and avoiding resentment
Emotional intelligence skills will have a dramatic effect on your relationships at home and at work. Each article in this series will guide you through exercises, quizzes, and examples that will help you learn a specific emotional intelligence ability. As you acquire each ability, you will increase your emotional intelligence and your ability to master the next skill. In the end, you will get to know a newly empowered individual—yourself—and become very comfortable with your ability to attract the respect and affection of others.
Now, let’s take an in-depth look at our first skill - Managing Stress in Relationships
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