Malignant NarcissismCoping with a Malignant Narcissist

What is malignant narcissism?

Malignant narcissism combines the usual symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder (such as high self-importance) with paranoia, sadism, and antisocial behaviors. The condition isn’t officially recognized by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5). Rather, it’s a narcissism subtype coined by social psychologist Erich Fromm and later explored as a potential psychiatric diagnosis by psychoanalyst Otto Kernberg.

When you picture a narcissist, you may imagine someone who simply can’t stop talking about themselves. They want everyone to know how much they’ve achieved and how much more they’re capable of. Malignant narcissism takes this a step further by including an element of cruelty. This type of narcissist doesn’t simply delight in being admired; they delight in humiliating and hurting others—so much so, that their behavior might even be sociopathic at times. The pain they inflict doesn’t necessarily need to be physical. They may aim to tear you down emotionally.

If you have a malignant narcissist in your life, you’ve likely endured a difficult and often painful relationship. You might have found yourself initially impressed by their confidence and charm, only to eventually discover their cruel streak.

They may belittle you in public, ripping into your self-esteem to make themselves feel superior, or use fits of rage and threats of violence to intimidate you into obedience. Or they might take a more subtle approach: giving you the cold shoulder to keep you feeling anxious and confused. Anytime you try to speak up, you feel ignored and unimportant. Their wants and needs eclipse your own.

Despite how toxic and abusive the connection can seem, it’s important to know that there are ways to escape the influence of a malignant narcissist. You can regain control of your life by learning more about the signs of malignant narcissism and how to protect yourself from their dominating or vindictive behavior.

Malignant narcissism traits

Most people like to feel acknowledged for their talents and accomplishments. However, malignant narcissists take this desire to an extreme. They’re consumed by a persistent need for admiration. They also move through the world with a lack of empathy, so they’re quick to use manipulation to meet their needs.

Grandiosity

Grandiosity, or having an over-inflated sense of self-importance, is a key trait of narcissism. A malignant narcissistic coworker might believe they’re too important to work on a low-level task with you. Or a friend who is a narcissist might constantly derail conversations so they can brag about their latest accomplishment. Some researchers have theorized that a narcissist’s grandiose behavior is a way to cope with paranoid anxiety. For example, a coworker might constantly brag because they believe you’re plotting to beat them to a promotion.

Cruelty

One of the key aspects of a malignant narcissist is their sadistic behavior. They may genuinely enjoy the suffering of others. For instance, a malignant narcissist boss might openly mock and criticize you in front of your coworkers. They pile on snide remarks and say things like, “You’re lucky to even have this job.” They’re aware that the public shaming will leave you feeling embarrassed and anxious, and that’s their goal. It makes them feel more powerful.

Their cruelty can also rise to the level of physical aggression, especially when they feel provoked. For instance, if you try to stand up to the malignant narcissist and injure their ego while doing so, they might resort to throwing items against the wall or even attacking you directly.

Lack of empathy

Empathy is the ability to see things from another person’s point of view and feel their emotions. Malignant narcissists typically won’t recognize your feelings or acknowledge your perspective. Instead, they’re only concerned with their own opinions, wants, and needs. If you seek support from a narcissistic loved one after you’ve had a bad day, instead of offering comfort, they’re more likely to engage in victim-blaming, listing all the ways in which you’re at fault for the day’s misfortunes.

Aggressive exploitation

Exploitation involves using other people to achieve personal gain. A malignant narcissist in the workplace may give a coworker impossible workloads, then, when the coworker is overwhelmed to the point of burnout, the narcissist swoops in to yell at the coworker and “save” the team. Because they’re so focused on getting what they want, some malignant narcissists may not even be aware that they’re exploiting others. In other cases, they may realize they’re taking advantage of others but continue to do so because they feel entitled.

Signs and symptoms of malignant narcissism

It’s not always easy to tell when you’re dealing with a malignant narcissist. After all, most people have moments of vanity or self-centeredness. You might even catch yourself occasionally lacking empathy or dismissing a friend’s plight when you’re having a bad day. However, malignant narcissists always act this way, and their approach to life and relationships may manifest in the following ways.

Obsessive power dynamics

Malignant narcissists often have an intense need to be dominant in their relationships. In a romantic relationship, they may flirt with others or use other tactics to make you jealous, which then fuels their sense of superiority. In a work relationship, they might try to downplay your role and responsibilities on a project at work while elevating themselves.

Idealization and devaluation

If you have any sort of relationship with a malignant narcissist, you might notice a cycle of behavior that starts with idealization. They pull you in with their superficial charms, perhaps complimenting you or praising you for your achievements and talents. They make you feel special.

Then, they shift to devaluation. They become overly critical, mean, and dismissive. Meanwhile, their attention moves back to their own opinions, wants, and accomplishments.

Sometimes, the cycle repeats as the malignant narcissist returns to idealizing you. If you overlook their prior selfish behavior, a toxic push-and-pull dynamic can develop. The cycle may not always follow the same timeline—it can play out over a span of weeks or even within a single day.

Pleasure in others’ suffering

A malignant narcissist will often enjoy seeing others suffer, especially if they feel like they’re in competition with that person. They may seem delighted to hear that you’ve lost your job, for example—or, if they’re able to hide their joy, they simply seem neutral and indifferent to your loss. You might notice their cruelty play out in their other social interactions as well. A narcissistic friend might intentionally give a restaurant server the wrong order, and then later mock the server for having a “bad memory.” They then use this as an excuse to not leave a tip.

Malignant narcissism vs. other personality disorders

Malignant narcissism can be hard to distinguish from other personality disorders, especially antisocial personality disorder.

Comparison with antisocial personality disorder

Antisocial personality disorder (ASPD), also called sociopathy, involves impulsive behavior and a reckless disregard for the safety of other people. Similar to malignant narcissism, people with ASPD have low empathy, which allows them to be manipulative and sadistic in their social interactions. That said, these are two distinct conditions.

People with ASPD seem to experience less concern when it comes to their own well-being. This makes them more likely to engage in behaviors like reckless driving and physical confrontations with others. Malignant narcissists are more concerned with gaining admiration, and they often relate to and look up to powerful people. Unlike sociopaths, malignant narcissists may feel some degree of loyalty to select people, especially those who help feed their vanity.

Distinctions from psychopathy

Although the terms are often used interchangeably, some researchers consider psychopathy to be a more severe form of sociopathy (ASPD). Psychopaths may be more violent than sociopaths. Malignant narcissists may also lash out in violence—especially if someone dares to question their superiority—which can make them difficult to distinguish from true psychopaths.

What sets psychopaths apart from malignant narcissists is that psychopaths aren’t preoccupied with maintaining a high sense of self-importance or defending their self-image. Psychopaths are also more emotionally detached and more prone to casual violence and risky behavior.

Differences from other narcissistic personality disorder subtypes

In addition, malignant narcissism might overlap with other subtypes of narcissism, such as covert, overt, and communal narcissism.

Overt narcissism (also known as grandiose narcissism) is what most people imagine when they picture a narcissist. These narcissists are bold and extraverted. They always try to establish dominance in social situations. For example, they might speak over you or constantly redirect the conversation so they can talk about their achievements.

Covert narcissism (also known as vulnerable narcissism) combines self-absorbed behavior and an introverted demeanor. Covert narcissists often rely on passive-aggressive behavior and emotional manipulation when their fragile ego has been bruised.

Communal narcissism often involves altruistic behavior and a self-proclaimed interest in “fairness” and the “common good.” But beneath this benevolence is the typical narcissistic desire for admiration and power. Imagine someone who claims to care about the local community and makes generous donations, but can’t help bragging about it.

Antagonistic narcissism involves zero-sum thinking—in other words, someone’s gain is always someone else’s loss. These narcissists always see themselves in competition with others. This leads them to belittle, manipulate, and argue with the people around them in order to stay “on top.”

It’s possible for a person to have traits of multiple subtypes. For example, someone may show a key characteristic of covert narcissism—a quiet demeanor—while also exhibiting the cruelty of a malignant narcissist.

Impact of malignant narcissism

A malignant narcissist’s behavior can impact anyone who comes into contact with them, but can be especially damaging to those they’re closest to. It can also have consequences for the malignant narcissists themselves.

Victims

Malignant narcissists are often manipulative. They may use any information they glean about others to further their own gains. For example, a narcissistic spouse might use your self-doubts to discourage you from leaving the relationship. Instead of feeling guilty, they rationalize that you deserve to be manipulated because you showed vulnerability.

When they feel slighted or their self-esteem feels threatened, malignant narcissists often lash out in rage. That rage can be sudden and intense, such as shouting or the threat of violence. But it can also be less overt. The narcissist can hold a long-term grudge, making sure to snub, ignore, or undermine their victims by spreading baseless accusations and seeking vengeance. They can become consumed with the idea of revenge, even after the other person apologizes. Their vindictiveness can be confusing for the victim, who may not even realize that they’d threatened the narcissist.

Relationships

Malignant narcissists can be charming at first, but they often treat relationships as transactional and self-serving. For instance, if a narcissist determines that you won’t feed their ego with compliments or praise, they may grow cold and distant. They may also become emotionally or physically abusive as a way to assert their superiority. They may cheat on a romantic partner, for example, and when confronted, say, “Your insecurity is ruining this relationship, just like your past relationships.”

Unsurprisingly, their relationships are often shallow or short-lived, as others ultimately feel invalidated, used, and abused.

Mental health

Despite their confident exterior, people with malignant narcissism are often plagued by paranoid thoughts. They may live their lives fearing that others are conspiring against them or laughing at them. At work and in relationships, they might feel a sense of isolation and loneliness. A lack of social support can lead to mental health consequences, including increased stress. This may ultimately result in a negative loop, as higher stress may then leave them more vulnerable to paranoid thoughts.

Treatment of malignant narcissism

It’s unlikely that a malignant narcissist would recognize the need for treatment. Their ego would lead them to conclude they don’t need to be “fixed,” and their paranoia would likely steer them away from therapists or anyone who wants to help them. They might even come to view mental health experts and concerned loved ones as enemies to be dominated.

With that said, some people with this personality disorder may eventually seek treatment. Concerns about a coexisting mental disorder, such as substance abuse or depression, might prompt them to reach out for help. Or they may be legally ordered to as a result of their abusive behavior. If you have malignant narcissistic personality disorder and recognize the need for change, here are some ways to start:

Therapy

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can be a useful option for people with narcissistic personality disorder seeking to manage their symptoms. Cognitive behavioral therapy is a form of psychotherapy that helps a person gain insight into how thoughts and feelings lead to behaviors. For instance, feelings of envy and insecurity might drive a malignant narcissist’s sadistic behaviors.

Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is a style of talk therapy that aims to improve four areas: mindfulness, distress tolerance, interpersonal effectiveness, and emotional regulation. Doing so can lead to healthier behaviors and more fulfilling relationships. If you have malignant narcissism, dialectical behavior therapy might focus on enhancing your ability to consider other people’s feelings before acting. This therapy can also help you find ways to accept and manage your own feelings, like the intense irritation that bubbles up when you feel criticized.

Medication

Medication won’t cure malignant narcissism personality disorder. However, certain drugs might be used to reduce problematic behaviors or co-occurring mental issues.

• Antipsychotics might be prescribed to reduce hostility, irritability, and impulsivity.
• Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRI’s), types of antidepressants, can also reduce aggression and stabilize moods.
• Lithium might improve decision-making and judgment.

Self-care strategies

Aside from professional treatment options, there are other strategies to help you cope with the symptoms of your personality disorder.

Build empathy. Empathy is your ability to understand another person’s emotions. By building empathy, you can counter your own self-absorption, and begin to see other people as more than just pawns. You can form deeper relationships that go beyond transactional interactions.

Develop higher emotional intelligence (EQ). Emotional intelligence is the ability to understand your emotions and then use them to more positive ends. For instance, EQ can help you notice how feelings of humiliation give way to rage. Rather than allow your rage to steer you toward hurting others, you might instead find ways to peacefully self-soothe.

Challenge your assumptions. You might struggle with paranoid thoughts, such as thinking that people are mocking you behind your back or questioning your abilities. These assumptions can then lead you to brag about your accomplishments to protect your self-image. By learning to recognize these cognitive distortions, you can reevaluate the likelihood of them being true. What evidence do you have that others are insulting you? Are there other possibilities you haven’t considered?

Tips for dealing with a malignant narcissist

Whether they’re at work, in your family, or within your friend group, malignant narcissists can make life difficult, even dangerous. You might feel like you’re walking on eggshells, always fearing their rage. Or you might feel frustrated at their tendency to blame others and evade personal responsibility. In the worst-cases, you may feel scared at their delight in the suffering of others.

When dealing with a malignant narcissist, know that it’s not your job to “fix” them. Instead, prioritize protecting yourself and your physical and emotional well-being. You can do this by learning more about their personality disorder, recognizing the ways in which they manipulate others, and finding ways to defend against that behavior. Additionally, learning to assert boundaries and find extra social support are necessary steps to keep you safe.

Most importantly, seek immediate help if you’re experiencing abuse or feel physically threatened by the person. Call 911 in the U.S. or your country’s local emergency service.

[Read: How to Get Out of an Abusive Relationship]

Tip 1: Educate yourself

The more you know about narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), the better equipped you’ll be to handle the combination of self-absorbed and sadistic behavior. Keep in mind that not all malignant narcissists will act exactly the same, but certain patterns are likely to emerge.

Find resources. Books, podcasts, and other media that focus on narcissism can be good starting points. Be sure that the information you’re looking at is either from an expert or first-hand experience. You might also find posts about NPD on online forums, but you’ll need to be more cautious about discerning fact from opinion.

Know their triggers. If you give the malignant narcissist feedback at work, for example, does that always seem to set them off, no matter how gently you express your opinion? Knowing what triggers their aggressive behavior can help you avoid or prepare for their reactions.

Know their behaviors. It can also help to identify and prepare for their specific behaviors. Do they have a habit of manipulating people through guilt? They might often say you’re “ungrateful” for all they’ve done for you, for example. Or perhaps, when they’re criticized, they deflect blame onto others. Do they have the potential for physical violence or are they emotionally abusive? The more familiar you are with their tactics, the easier you can protect yourself.

Tip 2: Identify common narcissistic tactics

Malignant narcissists often want to gain and maintain power in their relationships. Some tactics they may use include gaslighting, future faking, and deprivation. Once you’re able to identify these behaviors, you can take steps to sidestep their manipulation.

Gaslighting. Gaslighting is a type of manipulation wherein the narcissist makes you question your feelings or perceptions around an event. Some examples:

• When you point out that they insulted you, they tell you, “You’re just being overly sensitive.”
• When you’re upset over a lie they told, they insist that you misheard or misunderstood them.
• When they do something wrong—such as shoving you—they shift the blame to you. “I was defending myself because I was afraid you’d hit me first.”

Future faking. Malignant narcissists may not hesitate to use your wants and needs against you. They might dangle promises in front of you. “We’ll go on vacation together next summer,” or “I’ll start couple’s therapy with you next month.” But later, they bump those promises further down the road, leaving you feeling hopeful but never fulfilled.

Deprivation. A narcissist might exercise power in a relationship by depriving you of attention, time, or intimacy. This might take the form of giving you the cold shoulder or simply being less physically present. They may offer you breadcrumbs—such as a small amount of quality time together—and then suggest that you should be grateful for what they’re giving you. This deprivation is intended to make you desperate to reconnect with them, even if it means tolerating abuse.

Tip 3: Develop countermeasures

You might often feel powerless when dealing with a malignant narcissist. This is just an illusion that they want to create and maintain. Here are steps you can take to break free from them:

Set correct expectations. Recognize that the malignant narcissist isn’t interested in fulfilling your needs. Any charming comments they make are likely transactional or fleeting. They’re primarily looking for admiration and obedience. Knowing this can help you avoid falling for their future faking tactics.

Limit what you disclose about yourself. The more intimate information you offer them, the more they can use it against you. For instance, if they know you’re insecure about the quality of your work, they can use that to tear down your self-esteem later.

Rise above their behavior. Don’t accept invitations to argue. If they insult you or try to gaslight you into believing you did something wrong, you can calmly respond, “Let’s agree to disagree.” Resist the urge to correct them. You’ll end up in a frustrating back-and-forth that leaves you stressed out and gives the malignant narcissist a sense of control.

Don’t seek revenge. Although you might often feel angry at their manipulative behavior and self-absorption, attempts to get revenge will likely backfire. You’ll give them the satisfaction of knowing they’ve upset you, and they’ll feel motivated to continue the conflict.

Don’t let them define you or warp your self-image. When they rage at you, lie, or try to shame you, it’s a reflection of who they are, not who you are. After spending time with them, practice self-care and take steps to build your self-esteem.

Tip 4: Set boundaries

In healthy relationships, boundaries exist to keep you and the other person comfortable and safe. You voice your needs and expect the other person to respect them. However, when dealing with a malignant narcissist, you’ll need to be particularly firm when setting boundaries. Narcissists are often too self-centered and entitled to give much thought about others.

Identify the problematic behaviors. Consider the ways in which the malignant narcissist routinely crosses your boundaries. Maybe they threaten you, talk over you, or shift undue blame onto you. Perhaps they constantly give unwanted advice, break promises, or feel entitled to go through your phone.

Communicate how you feel and what you want to change. Lead with “I” statements, instead of using more accusatory language. For instance, “I feel disrespected when you yell at me. Please don’t do it again.”

Set a consequence and enforce it. If they’re a family member, you might say that you’ll cut back on the time you spend with the person if they cross your boundaries. If they’re a coworker, you might threaten to report their actions to a supervisor. However, if you don’t follow through, the malignant narcissist will feel empowered to continue their behavior.

Expect them to retaliate in some way. When you assert your wants and needs, the malignant narcissist will likely suffer a bruised ego. They might say something like, “How dare you treat me this way,” or insist that you should be grateful for their company. Even if they don’t immediately react, they may hold a grudge and seek revenge later, whether that involves breaking your prized possessions or spreading rumors about you at work. Again, know that this is a reflection of who they are, so don’t let it deter you from setting boundaries.

Tip 5: Find support

It’s easy to feel alone when you spend time with a malignant narcissist. Even if they’re initially charming, you’ll eventually notice that they have little interest in your thoughts and opinions. On top of that, the more time you spend alone with a narcissist, the more susceptible you may become to their gaslighting, cruelty, and attempts at control. Here are some steps you can take to maintain social well-being:

Nurture other relationships. Rather than hope for the malignant narcissist to change, shift your focus to your other relationships. Spend more time with a trusted friend or reconnect with family members you’ve fallen out of touch with. Acknowledge when another person validates your feelings, asks for your opinion, or respects your boundaries. These are the relationships worth investing in.

Avoid becoming isolated. In some cases, a malignant narcissist might aim to pull you away from your other relationships. Once you’re isolated, you become more dependent on them and easier for them to control. When a narcissist seems critical of the people around you, practice skepticism. They might be trying to tear down your connections.

Build new relationships. If you already feel isolated, know that you can always cultivate new connections. You might make new friends by trying out volunteer opportunities or engaging with your hobbies, such as joining a crafting group or running club. You can also consider looking for support groups that cater to people who have been impacted by narcissistic abusers.

Coping with malignant narcissism

Malignant narcissists often seek to control others while building up their own egos. They tend to have a high sense of entitlement, and their lack of empathy allows them to take exploitative measures to get what they want. A close relationship with someone like this can drag down your self-esteem and impact your mental health. To escape the push-and-pull of the unhealthy connection, you’ll need to recognize the narcissist’s deceptive behavior, set strict boundaries, and surround yourself with people who want to empower you, not control you.

Last updated or reviewed on April 21, 2025