Trauma BondingHow to Recognize and Cope

What is a trauma bond?

A trauma bond is a powerful emotional attachment that a person develops for their abuser. The concept explains why a victim of abuse may return to their abuser, despite the physical and emotional consequences. For instance, children can maintain strong attachments to abusive parents, and domestic partners may stay together despite violence being part of the relationship. It can also occur in many other circumstances, such as person remaining loyal to a manipulative friend or a toxic boss.

Unlike healthy emotional connections, which involve consistency, trust, and mutual respect, trauma bonds are built on power imbalances and turbulent cycles of abuse and affection. If you or someone you know is stuck in this kind of unhealthy dynamic, know that there are ways to escape and regain control of your life.

How trauma bonds form and persist

Trauma bonds can form when the abuser’s words and actions toward you are inconsistent and unpredictable.

Imagine that a partner treats you kindly one week, offering you praise and gifts. Then, their attitude toward you shifts, and they begin calling you names or inflicting other types of abuse. Sometime after, their kind and caring side reemerges, and they apologize for their earlier actions. The next time they are abusive, you find yourself hoping that things will get better again.

This is known as intermittent reinforcement. It’s a confusing cycle that results in you feeling distress and then feeling relief—the other person being abusive, and then being a safe haven. Over time, you become more emotionally invested in the person and trapped within the unpredictable relationship.

Once a trauma bond forms, the unhealthy dynamic can be difficult to escape for many reasons.

Dependency. If you feel alone or unsupported, you might believe that you must remain in the familiar, yet abusive relationship. This may be especially true if you rely on the person for basic necessities, such as food or shelter.

Cognitive dissonance. Cognitive dissonance is the discomfort you feel when you hold two conflicting beliefs. In this case, you recognize that the other person is both abusive but also caring. To resolve that dissonance, you try to excuse their bad behavior. You might rationalize, “They care about me. I just stress them out by asking too much.” Or maybe you think, “They care about, they’re just going through a rough time.”

Manipulation. The abuser can also use manipulative tactics to keep you emotionally reliant on them. They might seek to isolate you from other loved ones. Perhaps they make threats, and you fear how they might retaliate if you try to leave. Or they might convince you that you’re a burden, and you’re fortunate to even be with them. This all tears down your self-esteem and leads you to believe this relationship is the best you can do.

Hope. Because the relationship has been built on a series of highs and lows, even in the worst moments, you hope for another wave of affection and acknowledgment. You believe your abuser has a caring side that will ultimately emerge.

The stages of trauma bonding and the cycle of control

Although not every relationship unfolds the same way, trauma bonding can develop through the following stages.

Love bombing. An abuser showers you in affection or attention. For instance, in the first few weeks of the relationship, they might give you plenty of compliments or gifts. They make you feel special and deeply loved.

Dependency. As the relationship deepens, the other person appears trustworthy, and you begin to depend on them more. Maybe you move in with them, or they begin to offer financial support.

Devaluation. Once some dependency has been established, the abusive behavior often starts. The abuser turns critical, unfairly tearing you down with obvious or subtle insults, or is suddenly physically violent. The first instance of abuse might be followed by an apology, leading you to believe it was just a one-off issue that won’t come up again.

Manipulation. The abuser begins to use manipulative tactics to make you doubt yourself. For instance, they might deny they ever insulted you or shift blame onto you, rather than take responsibility for their bad behavior.

[Read: Gaslighting]

Resignation. At this point, your self-esteem has been reduced, and you feel hopelessly dependent on your abuser. Leaving feels impossible, and so you resign yourself to the unhealthy relationship.

Loss of self. Your sense of identity becomes deeply intertwined with your abuser’s. You can’t seem to establish or maintain healthy boundaries and feel disconnected from your own goals, needs, and social support.

Addiction. Even if you recognize that the relationship is unhealthy and dramatic, the possibility of it ending causes you distress. You experience a deep psychological addiction to the chaotic relationship.

Breaking free of a trauma bond

Escaping a trauma bond can be challenging. You might feel as if you’re helplessly glued to your abuser, and it’s hard to imagine your life being any other way. Despite those feelings, know that there are steps you can take to move forward.

[Read: Getting Out of an Abusive Relationship]

Recognize the problem. Before you can pursue real change, you’ll need to fully understand trauma bonds and how they work. If possible, read accounts of people who have gone through similar situations. Knowing that you’re not the only one affected by abusive relationships can help you feel less alone.

Seek support. Your abuser may have spent time and effort isolating you from other loved ones. Take steps to reestablish those connections. They can offer support in this difficult time, and, if necessary, help you come up with a safe escape plan. You can also look into support groups, where you can engage with people who understand what you’re going through.

Practice self-care. Shift your focus onto yourself. What physical, emotional, and spiritual practices enhance your sense of well-being? What hobbies and interests give your life meaning? Self-care allows you to find purpose outside of the unhealthy relationship.

Start to create distance. As you build up other support, start to cut back on contact with your abuser. This can help break your dependency on the abuser, whether that’s emotional, physical, or financial.

A therapist can offer professional guidance as you begin to break the unhealthy attachment, reflect on the relationship, and begin to rebuild self-compassion and self-esteem. Whether in-person or online, therapy can also give you the tools to manage intense emotions, such as shame, fear, and guilt. All of these feelings may surface as you separate yourself from the unhealthy relationship and experience trauma bond withdrawal. Be patient with yourself, and know that you deserve safer, more reliable connections.

Last updated or reviewed on October 2, 2025