Dealing with BPD in Relationships

BPD in relationships

People with borderline personality disorder (BPD) tend to have major difficulties with relationships, especially with those closest to them. Their wild mood swings, angry outbursts, chronic abandonment fears, and impulsive and irrational behaviors can leave loved ones feeling helpless, abused, and off balance. Partners and family members of people with BPD often describe the relationship as an emotional roller coaster with no end in sight. You may feel like you’re at the mercy of your loved one’s BPD symptoms—trapped unless you leave the relationship or the person takes steps to get treatment. But you have more power than you think.

You can change the relationship by managing your own reactions, establishing firm limits, and improving communication between you and your loved one. There’s no magic cure but with the right treatment and support, many people with BPD can and do get better and their relationships can become more stable and rewarding. In fact, patients with the most support and stability at home tend to show improvements sooner than those whose relationships are more chaotic and insecure.

Whether it’s your partner, parent, child, sibling, friend, or other loved one with BPD, you can improve both the relationship and your own quality of life, even if the person with BPD isn’t ready to acknowledge the problem or seek treatment.

Romantic relationships with someone with BPD

Being in a romantic relationship with someone with borderline personality disorder can be stormy to say the least. Their spontaneity and the intensity of their love can draw you in, but then their destructive behavior and black-and-white thinking (either you’re “perfect,” the only one they can count on, or you’re “selfish” and never truly loved them) can push you away.

Your partner with BPD may be extremely sensitive, so small things can trigger intense reactions. You having to work late or deciding to go out with friends, for example, could trigger devastating feelings of abandonment and rapid shifts between emotional extremes. One moment they may be raging at the imagined betrayal, the next they feel despondent and isolated, even suicidal, and then they’re terrified that the relationship is over, begging you to stay.

To them, the panic and fear is real and overwhelming. But to you, the guilt and irrational behavior can feel like manipulation. You may think that you just can’t win—anything you say or do will be twisted and used against you. And you have to walk on eggshells to avoid setting them off.  You might even hide what you really think or feel in order to avoid fights, but because your partner’s expectations are constantly changing, you’re never sure how to keep the peace.

In many cases, you’ll know that there’s something wrong with your loved one, but may have no idea what it is or if there is even a name for it. Recognizing it as borderline personality disorder can come as a source of both relief and hope.

[Take our Borderline Personality Disorder Test]

Dating someone with BPD

People with BPD can be passionate. They can also be spontaneous, fun, and emotionally open, often falling in love with you quickly. Those can be attractive qualities in a person and probably part of the reason you started dating. But in the blink of an eye spontaneity can turn to recklessness, fun to rage, and love to abuse. 

The person with BPD you’re dating likely has a history of volatile, unstable relationships, not just with previous romantic partners but with friends, family, and work colleagues as well. If you’ve been dating for a while, this is likely something you’ve noted, especially if they’re not in treatment.  

When you first realize that the person you’re dating has BPD, it can be a daunting moment. The first step is to learn all you can about borderline personality disorder. It won’t automatically solve any relationship problems you’re experiencing, but it will help you understand what you’re dealing with and what you can expect if you decide to move forward. Learn more about the signs, symptoms, and treatment of BPD in our guide.

Living with a spouse or partner with BPD

Is everything always your fault? Do you feel constantly criticized and blamed for things that don’t even make sense? Does your spouse or partner accuse you of doing and saying things you didn’t do? Do you feel misunderstood whenever you try to explain or reassure them?

Someone with BPD tends to rage hardest at the person they’re closest to—you. That can make for an exhausting relationship. It can also create a lot of tension in the home, tension that’s hard to escape because as soon as you try to get time on your own, your partner’s fear of abandonment kicks in and another fight ensues. Trying to end a long-term relationship with someone with BPD can be even more challenging.

Whether you’re dating or married to someone with BPD, it’s important to recognize that your partner is suffering. The destructive and hurtful behaviors are a reaction to deep emotional pain. In other words, they’re not about you. When your loved one does or says something hurtful towards you, understand that the behavior is motivated by the desire to stop the pain they are experiencing; it’s rarely deliberate.

• Learn all you can about BPD and any co-occurring conditions your partner may have. The more you understand, the better you’ll be able to handle relationship difficulties in constructive ways.
• Your support and encouragement can make a huge difference. Help your partner explore professional treatment options and encourage them to stick with therapy. 
• Set boundaries on the behaviors you won’t tolerate and be firm in the repercussions for breaching them.
• Practice self-care, pursue your own interests and hobbies, and build your own support network of family, friends, or a skilled therapist.
• Recognize if your partner’s anger and impulsivity have become emotionally or physically abusive. There are ways to protect yourself and your family from domestic violence and abuse.

BPD relationship cycles

A BPD relationship cycle outlines the stages some couples experience when one of them has untreated borderline personality disorder. Of course, everyone with BPD is unique, no two people behave in exactly the same way, and not everyone with BPD has difficulty maintaining healthy relationships. Your partner with BPD may also be suffering from different co-occurring disorders, which can make their behavior even harder to predict.

While there’s limited research on the BPD relationship cycle, many clinical experts recognize the patterns of behavior occurring in some (but not all) romantic relationships when one partner has BPD. Each phase can feature dramatic highs and lows and wild swings between love and hate. The duration and severity of each stage can vary depending on your partner’s specific symptoms and your own coping skills.

Stage 1: Idealization

This is the “honeymoon phase” of the relationship. Your partner is sensitive and enthusiastic, fascinated by you and your interests. They may idealize you as the perfect person or their “soul mate.” And you can’t help but be caught up in this, enjoying having someone love and admire so deeply.

Stage 2: Obsessive neediness

Your partner’s insecurities and fears of abandonment start to appear. If you pursue interests outside of the relationship or fail to respond to a text or a call, for example, it can trigger your partner’s fear of rejection. They may become hypersensitive and feel that you’re no longer interested in the relationship.

Stage 3: Provocation

Your partner craves your affection so begins to test your commitment to the relationship. They may provoke or manipulate you into arguments to gauge how much you care about them. If you fail a test, they may withdraw and withhold affection in an attempt to gain more attention from you.

Stage 4: Devaluation

The partner with BPD swings from adoring you to devaluing you in the blink of an eye. They may criticize you, your friends, your family. If black-and-white thinking or “splitting” occurs, they see you as either all good or all bad, with no middle ground. You may feel confused and hurt by these sudden swings.

Stage 5: Ending the relationship

Your partner may suddenly announce that they want to break up or simply “ghost” you and leave. To you, it may seem that it’s all coming out of nowhere.

Stage 6: Repair and recycle

Your partner may just as suddenly return and try to save the relationship. If that fails and the relationship ends, they’re like to spiral into a downward cycle of depression or self-destructive behavior. If the relationship doesn’t end—and they don’t seek treatment—the cycle will often restart again.

Communication tips

Communication is a key part of any relationship but communicating with a borderline person can be especially challenging. People in a close relationship with a borderline adult often liken talking with their loved one to arguing with a small child. People with BPD have trouble reading body language or understanding the nonverbal content of a conversation. PD expert and author, Randi Kreger, likens it to “having ‘aural dyslexia,’ in which they hear words and sentences backwards, inside out, sideways, and devoid of context.”

Listening to your loved one and acknowledging their feelings is one of the best ways to help someone with BPD calm down. When you appreciate how a borderline person hears you and adjust how you communicate with them, you can help diffuse the attacks and rages and build a stronger, closer relationship. Once they’re calm, you can employ these communication techniques:

• Listen actively and be sympathetic. You don’t have to agree with what the person is saying to make it clear that you’re listening and sympathetic.
• Focus on the emotions, not the words. The feelings of the person with BPD communicate much more than what the words they’re using. Your loved one needs validation and acknowledgement of the pain they’re struggling with.
• Try to make the person with BPD feel heard. Don’t try to win the argument, or invalidate their feelings, even when what they’re saying is totally irrational.
• Do your best to stay calm, even when your loved one is acting out. Defending yourself will only make your loved one angrier. Walk away if you need to give yourself time and space to cool down.
• Seek to distract your loved one when emotions rise. Try exercising, sipping hot tea, listening to music, grooming a pet, painting, gardening, or completing household chores.
• Talk about things other than the disorder. You and your loved one’s lives aren’t solely defined by BPD, so make the time to explore and discuss other interests.

Setting healthy boundaries

One of the most effective ways to help a loved one with BPD gain control over their behavior is to set and enforce healthy limits or boundaries. Setting limits can help your loved one better handle the demands of the outside world, where schools, work, and the legal system, for example, all set and enforce strict limits on what constitutes acceptable behavior.

Setting healthy boundaries in your relationship can replace the chaos and instability of your current situation with an important sense of structure and provide you with more choices about how to react when confronted by negative behavior. When both parties honor the boundaries, you’ll be able to build a sense of trust and respect between you, which are key ingredients for any meaningful relationship.

Setting boundaries is not a magic fix for a relationship, though. In fact, things may initially get worse before they get better. The person with BPD fears rejection and is sensitive to any perceived slight. This means that if you’ve never set boundaries in your relationship before, your loved one is likely to react badly when you start. If you back down in the face of your loved one’s rage or abuse, you’ll only be reinforcing their negative behavior and the cycle will continue. But, remaining firm and standing by your decisions can be empowering to you, benefit your loved one, and ultimately transform your relationship.

How to set and reinforce healthy boundaries

Talk to your loved one about boundaries at a time when you’re both calm, not in the heat of an argument. Decide what behavior you will and will not tolerate from the person and make those expectations clear. For example, you may tell your loved one, “If you can’t talk to me without screaming abuse at me, I will walk out.”

Do…

• Calmly reassure the person with BPD when setting limits. Say something like, “I love you and I want our relationship to work, but I can’t handle the stress caused by your behavior. I need you to make this change for me.”
• Make sure everyone in the family agrees on the boundaries—and how to enforce the consequences if they’re ignored.
• Think of setting boundaries as a process rather than a single event. Instead of hitting your loved one with a long list of boundaries all at once, introduce them gradually, one or two at a time.

Don’t…

• Make threats and ultimatums that you can’t carry out. As is human nature, your loved one will inevitably test the limits you set. If you relent and don’t enforce the consequences, your loved one will know the boundary is meaningless and the negative behavior will continue. Ultimatums are a last resort (and again, you must be prepared to follow through).
• Tolerate abusive behavior. No one should have to put up with verbal abuse or physical violence. Just because your loved one’s behavior is the result of a personality disorder, it doesn’t make the behavior any less real or any less damaging to you or other family members.
• Enable the person with BPD by protecting them from the consequences of their actions. If your loved one won’t respect your boundaries and continues to make you feel unsafe, then you may need to leave. It doesn’t mean you don’t love them, but your self-care should always take priority.

How to help your loved one

When a family member or partner has borderline personality disorder, it’s all too easy to get caught up in heroic efforts to please and appease him or her. You may find yourself putting most of your energy into the person with BPD at the expense of your own emotional needs. But this is a recipe for resentment, depression, burnout, and even physical illness.

You can’t help someone else or enjoy sustainable, satisfying relationships when you’re run down and overwhelmed by stress. As in the event of an in-flight emergency, you must “put on your own oxygen mask first.”

Avoid the temptation to isolate. Make it a priority to stay in touch with family and friends who make you feel good. You need the support of people who will listen to you, make you feel cared for, and offer reality checks when needed.

You’re allowed (and encouraged) to have a life! Give yourself permission to have a life outside of your relationship with the person with BPD. It’s not selfish to carve out time for yourself to relax and have fun. In fact, when you return to your BPD relationship, you’ll both benefit from your improved perspective.

Support your loved one’s treatment. If your loved one won’t acknowledge that they have a problem with BPD, you may want to consider couple’s therapy. Here, the focus is on the relationship and promoting better communication, rather than on your loved one’s disorder. Your partner may more readily agree to this and eventually consider pursuing BPD therapy in the future.

Join a support group for BPD family members. Meeting with others who understand what you’re going through can go a long way. If you can’t find an in-person support group in your area, you may want to consider joining an online BPD community.

Don’t neglect your physical health. Eating healthfully, exercising, and getting quality sleep can easily fall by the wayside when you’re caught up in relationship drama. Try to avoid this pitfall. When you’re healthy and well rested, you’re better able to handle stress and control your own emotions and behaviors.

Learn to manage stress. Getting anxious or upset in response to problem behavior will only increase your loved one’s anger or agitation. By practicing with sensory input, you can learn to relieve stress as it’s happening and stay calm and relaxed when the pressure builds.

Remember the 3 C’s rule

Many friends or family members often feel guilty and blame themselves for the destructive behavior of the borderline person. You may question what you did to make the person so angry, think you somehow deserve the abuse, or feel responsible for any failure or relapse in treatment.

But it’s important to remember that you’re not responsible for another person. The person with BPD is responsible for their own actions and behaviors.

The 3 C’s are:

1. I didn’t cause it.
2. I can’t cure it.
3. I can’t control it.

Source: Out of the Fog

Last updated or reviewed on March 13, 2025