How to Handle Walking on Eggshells in Your Relationship

What it means to walk on eggshells in a relationship

To walk on eggshells means that you’re extremely cautious and constantly on edge around someone because their mood can change at any moment. The smallest “misstep” and they explode, take offense, or turn mean. So you tiptoe around in a state of anxiety or dread—always worrying about what you might say or do to set them off. It can feel that no matter how invisible or people-pleasing you try to be, no matter how careful you are around them, you always end up stepping on a fragile eggshell that leads to a blow up.

Walking on eggshells most commonly occurs with a romantic partner, but it can happen in any relationship with someone who is emotionally unpredictable or has mood swings or a quick temper. A child might walk on eggshells around a disapproving parent, for example, or your boss might be so volatile that you’re afraid to express an opinion at work.

Many people walk on eggshells to avoid conflict. It’s a survival mechanism, a way to deal with someone else’s mood swings or avoid the criticism or abuse they often dish out. But living in a state of constant tension or fear around someone, especially a romantic partner, takes a heavy emotional toll. Not only is it extremely stressful, but over time it can also leave you feeling hopeless, worthless, and unloved.

Even in a healthy relationship, there will always be arguments and disagreements, but you should never have to tiptoe around your partner, unable to speak your mind or too scared to be yourself. No one deserves to live like that. There are ways you can set healthier boundaries in your relationship and reclaim your voice. And if there’s no way to establish more respectful communication, there are ways to leave the relationship and rebuild your self-esteem.

Signs you’re walking on eggshells

Putting an end to walking on eggshells begins by recognizing the patterns you’ve developed to cope with your partner’s behavior. Here are some common signs of walking on eggshells in a relationship:

• You regularly experience conflict with your partner.
• You’re careful about what you do and say, even the tone you use around them.
• You often feel anxious about interacting with them.
• After your partner reacts in a volatile way, they rarely apologise.
• You tend to take responsibility for their moods. “If I could just be quieter unloading the dishwasher while they’re watching TV, everything would be okay.”
• You feel like “nothing is ever good enough,” whatever you do or don’t do can provoke a bad reaction.
• You suppress your own needs and emotions in order to keep the peace. You feel it’s better to stay silent about even important things rather than risk upsetting your partner.
• You’re always relieved when your partner is in a “good mood.”
• People close to you have noticed how differently you behave around them.
• You feel scared of your partner.

While it may be an unhealthy pattern of behavior that can be corrected, walking on eggshells can also be a sign that you’re in an abusive relationship. The abusive partner may be using their unpredictable moods to keep you intimidated, worn down, and under control.

Why this dynamic develops

Walking on eggshells can often be a trauma response. You find yourself in an unstable environment, so you walk on eggshells and adopt people-pleasing tactics to avoid the trauma of conflict or abuse.

An emotionally volatile partner may cause you to adopt a walking on eggshells pattern of behavior for a number of different reasons.

They’re emotionally reactive. In times of great stress, emotionally reactive people find it hard to manage their emotions appropriately. They may overreact by yelling, raging, or saying things they later regret. This emotional dysregulation may be a learned behavior from childhood, a symptom of a mental health issue, or a sign of emotional immaturity.

They have borderline personality disorder. Walking on eggshells can be common when dealing with BPD in relationships. A partner with BPD may be extremely sensitive, so even small things can trigger intense, over-the-top reactions.

They’re narcissistic. Narcissists are typically volatile and manipulative, using guilt and blame to get what they want. A malignant narcissist may even be sadistic, deriving pleasure from humiliating or hurting you. You may find yourself walking on eggshells to avoid a narcissist’s hostility.

They’ve been traumatized themselves. If your partner’s behavior developed following a traumatic experience, it may be a symptom of PTSD. Unresolved PTSD can cause difficulties managing emotions and impulses, resulting in violent mood swings and angry outbursts. It can make you feel like you’re living with a stranger.

You’ve trauma bonded. A trauma bond is the emotional attachment that a victim of abuse can feel towards their abuser. As well as making you feel like you’re walking on eggshells, your partner likely displays some positive behaviors, too. It’s these moments of affection or calm that give you optimism and keep you from making changes.

Other causes

If you find yourself walking on eggshells around a partner whose behavior doesn’t warrant such a response, it may be due to negative experiences from a previous relationship or from childhood. Growing up with a volatile and unpredictable parent, for example, may cause you to be fearful and hypervigilant in your adult relationships.

Similarly, a fear of rejection, an insecure attachment style, or relationship anxiety could encourage you to tread carefully and avoid conflict rather than speak up for yourself or express your needs in a relationship.

The emotional toll of living this way

Living with someone who’s volatile and unpredictable can take a heavy mental and emotional toll. It can also impact other family members’ wellbeing, such as your children. When one person is walking on eggshells, it can create a tense, uncomfortable atmosphere that affects everyone in the home.

Rather than being a way to keep the peace or avoid conflict, walking on eggshells in a relationship can have damaging consequences.

Chronic stress. The stress of being constantly vigilant and on-guard can be exhausting. It can leave you feeling overwhelmed and emotionally drained, and adversely affect your sleep, memory, and decision-making. Chronic stress can also increase your risk for anxiety, depression, and burnout.

Compromised physical health. As well as increasing stress, having to suppress your emotions can build up resentment and frustration, impact your immune system, and even affect your cardiovascular health.

Loss of identity. When you’re unable to share your real thoughts and feelings with your significant other, it can make you feel like you’re losing your sense of self. You may feel unseen and unheard in the relationship.

Low self-esteem. Frequent put-downs and criticisms can damage your self-confidence and sense of self-worth.

Sense of powerlessness. Ongoing fear and conflict can leave you feeling helpless and powerless in the face of your partner’s outbursts, further increasing stress and damaging your self-esteem.

Isolation. Your friends may feel uncomfortable in the tense atmosphere of your home. In an abusive relationship, your partner may use their mood swings and outbursts as a method of controlling you and keeping you socially isolated from friends and family.

Trauma. You don’t need to suffer physical harm to experience trauma. The chronic stress, anxiety, hypervigilance, and emotional strain that comes from prolonged exposure to a volatile partner’s behavior can be traumatizing.

How to set boundaries and reclaim your voice

Once you recognize the impact of walking on eggshells in your relationship, you can start to take steps to address the problem.

Identify triggers

When you can identify the specific factors that trigger an emotional reaction in your partner, it can make it easier to anticipate and manage your response. For example, is your partner more likely to explode if they’ve been drinking, have had a bad day at work, or are hungry and tired? Is it something you say or do that triggers their response? Or does their behavior come out of nowhere, a reaction to an internal trigger?

It may help to keep a journal to record the circumstances of each outburst or when you feel yourself having to tiptoe around your partner. You may be able to identify patterns in their behavior, ones that you can address by setting boundaries. You may also see that there’s little connection between what you say or do and your partner’s sudden mood changes, which can help reinforce the idea that their behavior is not about you; it’s on them.

Set and enforce boundaries

Whatever the reason for your partner’s behavior, it doesn’t excuse it. You don’t deserve to be treated like their punching bag. Setting boundaries on the behavior you’ll tolerate is an important ingredient of any healthy relationship. It can also be important in establishing and maintaining your identity in the relationship.

Decide on the boundary you wish to set. You may want to set limits on your partner’s criticism, anger, and accusations, for example. You could set a boundary of: “If you talk to me like that, I’ll leave/hang up the phone/cancel our weekend plans.” But only choose a consequence that you are prepared to follow through on. Your partner is very likely to test you.

Discuss it with your partner. Choose a time when you’re both calm, rather than during an argument. Explain to your partner how their behavior is affecting you and what you’d like to see change. Try to use “I” statements rather than “you.” For example, “I feel diminished when you talk to me that way. I would like to be able to share my thoughts and opinions with you.” A healthy relationship should be able to accommodate these kinds of challenging conversations without you being afraid of your partner’s reaction.

Enforce the boundary. Enforcing a boundary means following through on the consequences you set. That could be refusing to continue a conversation, leaving the room, leaving the home, or even calling a crisis line or the police for help. If you aren’t willing to enforce a boundary, your partner will feel empowered to continually overstep your boundaries in the future.

Improve communication

Open and effective communication is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship. When you recognize the walking on eggshells dynamic in your relationship, the sooner you openly address it with your partner, the better you can protect against the damage it can cause. Some couples find it useful to reach an agreement on how you should both behave when dealing with this issue. For example, you could agree to discuss it honestly rather than shutting down, not to hide your true feelings, and to work out a solution together, as a team.

When you find yourself walking on eggshells, rather than trying to make yourself invisible it can help to calmly ask your partner if something is wrong: “Are you okay?” “Did I do something wrong?” “Are you upset about something?” This can help kickstart an open conversation. Don’t make accusations or attack your partner and try to set aside judgement while they’re talking. If you both use active listening techniques, you can ensure that you both feel heard and understood.

While you can’t avoid conflict in a relationship, you can learn conflict resolution skills that deepen rather than destroy your relationship.

Boost your self-esteem

Regularly being on the receiving end of a partner’s outbursts, insults, and criticisms can dent anyone’s sense of self-worth. You can boost your self-esteem by:

• Listing your strengths and achievements—and revisiting the list whenever you experience doubts.
• Spending time with people who value you.
• Practicing self-care to improve your physical and emotional well-being.
• Adopting positive self-talk by reprogramming that negative little voice inside your head.

Seek support

Whether you’re looking to improve the relationship or end it, finding support from friends and loved ones can provide you with clarity, strengthen your resolve, and help you through a difficult time. If you’re in a relationship with someone with a mental health issue that’s causing their behavior, such as a personality disorder, you may find joining a support group helpful.

• Seeking professional help from a therapist can help you develop coping skills, process the trauma, and rebuild your self-esteem. Trauma-informed and dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) may be especially helpful.
• Couples therapy can provide a safe space for you and your partner to open up about your relationship struggles, improve your communication skills, and rebuild trust and emotional safety. You can choose in-person or online couples therapy.

When to seek help or leave

Having one person tiptoeing around the other person in fear of triggering an outburst is an unhealthy relationship dynamic that’s difficult to sustain in the long-term. Something needs to change, whether it’s setting boundaries and asserting your voice, or detaching from the relationship and healing. Deciding which is right for you largely depends on whether the walking on eggshells is part of a pattern of emotional abuse or a repairable communication issue.

It’s important to remember that not all abusive relationships involve physical violence. Emotional abuse in relationships can be just as destructive. It can chip away at your sense of self, erode your independence, and leave you feeling trapped and powerless. Ask yourself: “Do I feel safe in this relationship?” “Do I feel seen and heard?” “Do I feel so badly about myself that I think I deserve to be emotionally hurt?”

Red flags that your walking on eggshells is a symptom of a toxic or abusive relationship include:

• You often feel afraid of your partner and worry about angering them.
• Your partner’s outbursts are aggressive, violent, or humiliating.
• They try to control where you go or what you do.
• They act excessively jealous and possessive.
• They threaten to hurt you or your children or pets.
• They treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to witness it.
• Your partner ignores your opinions and diminishes your accomplishments.
• Your partner blames you for their own negative behavior.

Signs that it may be a recoverable communication issue include:

• Your partner takes some responsibility for their behavior, rather than blaming everything on you.
• They express a sincere willingness to change.
• They’re open to considering couples counseling.
• You’re both able to “fight fair,” where you can get upset at each other but still remain respectful.
• You’re both prepared to work at improving the relationship.

Last updated or reviewed on October 7, 2025