Grandparenting

What's so grand about grandparenting?

In no particular order – grandparenting is an opportunity to play, to 'fall in love' again, and to appreciate the magic of a developing mind. Grandparents can share the things they're passionate about with a new audience; see the world in a new way through younger eyes; experience music, nature, reading, gardening, theater and other interests in conjunction with a curious young mind.

Grandparents can provide expanded support and encouragement to their grandchildren and use their breadth of experience as parents to do things differently (or the same) as they did when they were parents the first time around. Grandparenting is an opportunity to watch children develop through all stages of growth; it is an invitation to learn about 'their' music and ‘their' passions and to provide input that parents cannot. Usually, grandparents have the benefit of interacting on a level that is once removed from the day-to-day responsibilities of parents. This can make it easier to develop a close bond with grandchildren. From near or far, grandparenting can provide continuity in a child's life. Grandparents are often the family historians, and can add a rich sense of family tradition to a child's life.

Additionally, contact with grandparents can teach children positive attitudes towards aging and help them develop skills to enhance their own lifelong learning.

The role of a grandparent in a child's life

There are as many answers to this question as there are family configurations and needs. Some grandparenting requires a full-time commitment. For others, grandparenting is a weekend together, an afternoon play date, a summer vacation, a chat on the phone or an email exchange.

Establishing some ground rules with your son or daughter is a good first step to a long and successful relationship with your grandchild. The AARP has some tips to get you started on the right foot. Among their hints: be clear about what role you want to have in your grandchild's life, be kind to yourself and to your children, and check with the child's parents before you buy gifts. They also discuss pitfalls to avoid - like trying to be the parent, or buying affection - and positive actions to take – like respecting the parenting decisions of your adult children, and showering your grandchildren with love.

No matter the specific circumstances, when you are expressing love, showing concern for the child's safety and well-being, being consistent in your behavior and paying attention to their needs and words, you are doing the best grandparenting possible.

Long-distance grandparenting

From the beginning, engage your children in the process. They can help you learn about the stages the baby/toddler/child is going through, what his or her interests are, and what the 'rules of the house' are in regard to appropriate reading/viewing materials. When the child is old enough to interact, whether on the phone, internet, or through mail, start engaging the child directly. Special efforts to communicate specifically with your grandchild will establish the foundation for a strong long-term relationship.

For the computer-savvy, the internet can add a whole new dimension to long-distance grandparenting. You'll discover many sites you can share with your grandchildren. And you can visit some of these sites together. The list can grow as your grandchild's interests change and as you discover more of the world – on and off the internet– together. If your grandchild has his or her own email address, you can Instant Message with them or maybe even set up a ‘chat date.'

Of course there are many long distance grandparenting activities that have nothing to do with the internet. There are inexpensive phone cards (even international ones) that make it possible to say in touch regardless of the distance. When you're talking to your grandchildren, make notes about their interests, pets' names, books they've been reading, doll's name – anything you can repeat in the next conversation so they know you've been listening. 'Snail mail,' too, can make remote grandparenting feel less distant. Even before a child can read, he or she will be able to recognize their name on an envelope, and will love the feeling of importance implied by receiving mail or a special phone call. Check out bookstores, and books on tape or CD. Better yet, you can record yourself reading a few of your favorite children's books and send the tape along with the books, or make a tape of songs you would sing if you were together. When you share photographs, write stories about the people in the pictures, send music cassettes or CD's with your comments on the music. All of these small things communicate your interest and love. Children will respond positively to the special attention and care, allowing you the chance to know them better when you do have the opportunity to be physically with them.

Grandparenting activities

The best grandparenting activities flow naturally from the interests of both the grandparents and the grandchildren. You can create a deep, loving relationship with your grandchildren by sharing the things you love with them, and by being available to hear about the ideas and activities that excite them. Some ideas for thinking about activities and ways to spend time with your grandchildren include:

Take it easy together – Make an effort to enjoy leisure time with your grandchildren. As a grandparent, you get to interact with your grandchildren without the same daily pressures of a parent – you don't have to worry about driving carpool or juggle making dinner for the family with soccer practice and grocery shopping. Allow yourself slow down and to become really absorbed in an activity. Remove the normal boundaries of the day and spend time with your grandchildren without thinking about a schedule or what's next on the list to be done. Moving at a slower pace than usual can give children a sense that time can be 'stretched' – that you don't need to hurry through activities. And, as with adults, it gives them the psychic space to feel, reflect and express without feeling rushed.

One at a time - On occasion, spend time with individual grandchildren. It will give you an opportunity to bond, without competition, with that day's companion grandchild.

Go outside – Children love the outdoors, and trips to the park or the beach can be a great jumping off point for some wonderful adventures and happy memories. Nature walks and day hikes can provide lots of interesting things to talk about, and water activities can be especially fun. Throwing stones into the water or watching the tide or the current play with the sticks are simple activities that can be fascinating to children. You can start these activities when kids are toddlers, and expand the games as they get older. Spending time in nature and near water also provides an opportunity to experience stillness.

See the sights - Concerts and plays, movies, science centers and museums, parks or walks in the neighborhood provide opportunities to be together and to exchange ideas and opinions.

Play games - Board and card games are a unique opportunity to watch kids in action and to see how they operate in the world. Games also allow you to help your grandchild learn to be a good sport and play fairly.

Take a trip – Sharing your love of a favorite place will help you create special memories with your grandchildren. Special trips, whether it be a day trip to a national park, a weekend in a nearby city, or a week long trip to another favorite destination will always be remembered by the child as a special journey with grandma or grandpa. After you have traveled, an album of that experience can be an ongoing delight for everyone in the family. See below for tips on traveling with grandchildren.

Share your interests – Engaging in hobbies and activities that you love or your grandchild loves can be a great way to spend time together and learn about each other. Sometimes, activities that you might not expect your grandchildren to be interested in, like knitting or gardening, might turn out to provide an important point of connection for you. Similarly, if you take an interest in something they are passionate about, like trading cards or the Harry Potter book series, they may open up in a new way because they get to share their special area of knowledge.

Talk about work - If you are still working, a visit to your place of work can add a dimension to your grandchild's perception of you. If you are retired, pictures and stories about what your working days were like can do the same.

Communicate family history - Tell stories about games or trips you shared when the grandchild's parents were young. This is a great way to weave a 'tapestry' of shared experiences for the whole family.

Grandparenting on the road

One of the great advantages of traveling with your grandchild is the opportunity for both of you to be 'away from home.' Being on the road – whatever that looks like for your family – means being free of chores, errands, the computer, the phone – any familiar routine. It means all kinds of possibilities for the unexpected – even on the best-planned trip. All the chances to read train and bus schedules, ride a ferry, stay in a motel or B&B, eat out – or have lots of picnics – offer opportunities to discover new parts of the world, of yourself, and of your grandchild.

Involve the child in the planning in whatever way you think is age-appropriate. Involve his or her parents to be sure they're comfortable with the plans. And hit the road!

Full-time grandparenting

Divorce, death of parents, or a parent's work or school-related responsibilities are just a few of the reasons grandparents assume full- or part-time responsibility for their grandchildren. Part of the task is day-to-day maintenance of a home, schedules, meals, homework and play dates. In cases where tragedy is the reason grandparents are involved, there are many stress factors – grieving on the part of the children and the grandparents, for example – that come into play. If this situation happens to you, know that you are part of a growing community. The AARP article "Facts about Grandparents Raising Grandchildren (see below for the link) reports that 6.3% of all children under age 18 in the United States are growing up in grandparent headed households and the number of children in grandparent headed households have increased 30% since 1990. There are resources out there for you – see below for more information and links. Raising your grandchildren, while challenging, can also be incredibly rewarding.

Step-grandparenting

Have you married another grandparent? Have your kids become stepparents? Step-grandparenting has grown as a family phenomenon because of the growing number of blended families. Step-grandparenting can present awkward moments, and create complex relationships – especially if there are already other grandparents in the picture. Children might feel the need to be loyal to the original grandparents and conflicted about giving and receiving affection in the new relationship.

Grandparents, children and grandchildren all need time to mourn the loss of the biological family. Give yourself and the children time to get to know one another, have fun together. Plan some special times together without an agenda.

According to some statistics (Stepping Stones Counseling Center, New Jersey) 33 percent of persons 65 years or older are step-grandparents and the numbers are growing rapidly. These blended family relationships call for compassion, genuine interest, understanding – and patience!

Grandparents' rights

Some circumstances make it necessary for grandparents to seek legal help. If there's been a divorce, death of one parent, estrangement or the suspicion that your grandchildren are being neglected or abused you may want to consult a lawyer or advocacy group to ensure access to your grandchildren. Two issues arise with regard to grandparenting: custody and visitation. In either event, the goal is to maintain the children's connection to a family beyond the nuclear family. Resources listed below will help you start the process of investigating what your rights are.

Related links for grandparenting

Long distance grandparenting

Long Distance Grandparenting: The Foundation for Grandparenting – Provides an extensive birth to college blueprint for being a long distance grandparent. (ChildBirthSolutions.com)

Grandparenting activities

Grandparents' Web – Provides ideas for activities for home and away, links to book and movie reviews, and a wide range of articles on grandparenting topics. Topics include "Fun at Grandma's House," a collection of activities for five different age groups; "Bonding with Grandkids;" and "Camping with Grandchildren." (Cyberparents.com)

San Francisco Symphony Kid's Site – Offers interactive and animated introduction to a symphony orchestra. Uses Shockwave and has sound.

Series Books, Cool New Books, Reviews, Authors – Up-to-date, colorful and informative site lists the latest in reading material for kids. Also includes reading lists and suggestions for how to start a kids' book club. A great resource for tapping into the interests of your grandchild, whatever his or her age. (KidsRead.com)

Traveling with grandchildren

Traveling with Grandchildren – Offers tips for planning successful, satisfying trips with grandchildren. Topics include a list of things to think about/discuss with parents when planning the trip. (AARP)

National Geographic Traveler Family Travel Pages – Lists travel tips and links to travel agents who specialize in intergenerational travel.

Elderhostel Adventures in Lifelong Learning: Intergenerational Trips – Lists a huge selection of trips (US and international trips) organized for maximum grandparent/grandchild interaction.

Full-time grandparenting

Grandparents Raising Grandchildren – Comprehensive series of eight articles, on topics relating to child development, communication between generations and much more. (University of Wisconsin-Madison and University of Wisconsin-Extension)

Connecting the Bridges: Grandparenting Grandchildren – Discusses the challenges and benefits of raising grandchildren. (Parenthood In America Conference)

Help for Grandparents Raising Grandchildren – Provides detailed information on topics like custody options, government subsidies, and support groups. (AARP)

Step-grandparenting

Step Grandparenting: New Roles for the Nineties – Discusses the challenges and joys of being a step-grandparent and provides tips for learning to grandparent in a blended family. (Grandtimes.com)

Helpful Tips for the Adoptive Grandparent – Offers suggestions and helpful hints for adoptive grandparents. Site also might be instructive in learning about the adoption process. (Adoption.com)

Grandparenting and interfaith families

Foundation for Grandparenting: NBC Today Show Topics – Arthur Kornhaber advice on several grandparenting topics, including "When Your Grandchild is not Being Raised in your Religion." Other topics include "Being a Better Grandparent," "What You Need to Know About Your Relationship with Your Grandchild," and "Grandparenting and Teenagers."

Grandparenting Your Interfaith Jewish Grandchildren – Offers tips for grandparenting when your grandchildren are being raised in a different religion. (Interfaithfamily.com)

Grandparents rights

The Grandparents Rights Organization – Offers information to educate and support grandparents and grandchildren on their rights to maintain a relationship.

Grandparent Visitation Rights – Provides information on grandparents' visitation rights including links to a state law visitation chart and a legal services network for AARP members. (AARP)

Comprehensive list of grandparenting websites

Grandparenting Web Sites – Online directory of resources for all aspects of grandparenting developed by Mary Brintnall-Peterson, Ph.D., Program Specialist in Aging, University of Wisconsin-Extension. (Grandparenting Today)

Support Groups for Grandparents – Provides links to grandparenting sites worldwide. (Ability Project)

Gina Kemp, M.A., and Anita Goldstein contributed to this article. Last modified on: 2/01/07.